


Brooklyn, Brooklyn, Take Me In

by HiFunctionSociopath



Series: Icarus Always Falls [1]
Category: Captain America - All Media Types, Marvel Cinematic Universe, X-Men - All Media Types
Genre: 1920s, 1930s, Angst, Brooklyn, Canon Compliant, Continuation of Icarus Always Falls, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Freeform - Stucky, Friends to Lovers, Growing Up, I know that's not how children act, I'm Sorry, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Masturbation, Mutants, Mutual Pining, Period Typical Attitudes, Period-Typical Homophobia, Playlist, Pre-Serum Steve Rogers, Queer Brooklyn, Wingfic, also not, kind of, meaning strange, one time, vague as i could make it
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-03-30
Updated: 2019-06-21
Packaged: 2019-12-07 00:57:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 21,822
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18227765
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HiFunctionSociopath/pseuds/HiFunctionSociopath
Summary: What is seen as a curse can also be a blessing and love can be found where it was never meant to be."THE NIGHT has a thousand eyes,And the day but one;Yet the light of the bright world diesWith the dying sun.The mind has a thousand eyes,And the heart but one;Yet the light of a whole life diesWhen love is done."~Francis William Bourdillon





	1. James

**Author's Note:**

> This is the rewrite of Icarus Always Falls, which is now a series instead of a single fic. Thank you all for your patience. I was just not satisfied with the original. There will be more to come. I promise.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> James Buchanan Barnes was born in Shelbyville, Indiana, 1917. He was a perfectly normal little boy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally! Chapter one, and I promise I won't rewrite it on you again. Thank you all for reading!

James Buchanan Barnes was born in Shelbyville, Indiana, 1917. He was a perfectly normal little boy. His mother and father loved him and they lived in a nice neighborhood. They had a nice house that was quite roomy and James had his own room. Eventually, his little sister came along. Her name was Rebecca Barnes and James loved little Becca with all his heart. He was four when she was born. When James was six, the whole family packed up and shipped off to Brooklyn. They had a nice apartment in a nice building and a nice neighborhood. Or as nice as it got in Brooklyn during that time. They weren't rich by any means but James wasn't going hungry at night either. The furnace in their apartment worked and the window locked. They had a fire escape as all apartments do. They had neighbors as well. That was the only problem with a lot of apartments in Brooklyn. The walls were as thin as paper and you could hear everything from snores to arguments to... other things. Yes, James was perfectly a perfectly normal kid.

Well, except for one thing.

James had massive, black, feathered wings sprouting straight out of his shoulder blades that only got bigger as he did.

He was only three at the time when he had the sudden realization that, yes, he was definitely different. Though, in Indiana, no one really cared as mutations were very common. People cared even less when they moved to Brooklyn. City folk don’t really pay attention to other people anyway.

His little sister loved them even when she was a baby. James let her tug on them sometimes just to entertain her. He really didn’t mind that much.

He did knock things over quite a bit in his early years because he struggled to control them. Kids knock things over just by breathing on them, you know. His mother and father didn't mind at all. They loved his wings and thought he looked like an angel. They didn't treat him any different than any other kid though. James really was too young to appreciate that but he did later.

Figuring out that, heck yeah, he could actually fly with those things sprouting out of his back, was quite an experience for James’ poor parents.

James figured that if he watched the birds fly and copy them maybe he could figure out flying for himself. He sat in the window and watched the sparrows fly past his window every so often and when they did he tried to copy the motions of their wings with his and sure enough they flapped too.

James was as ecstatic as you can imagine a four-year-old being.

He came tearing into the kitchen. “Ma! Look!” he cried as he flapped them and proceeded to knock a glass of water flying against the kitchen wall.

“Darling, calm down!” his mother tried to calm him, “You’re going to hurt someone!”

“But ma!”

“Jamie, dear, look at your father, please calm down. You could wake up Becca!”

James looked to his father and saw George Barnes leaning heavily against the counter staring at his son. He quieted slightly at the mention of his little sister.

“Winnie, do you remember how baby birds learn to fly?”

“Yes dear their pare-” she stopped and looked frantically over at James.

“I don’t think I can do that to him. He’s too young if that’s really what we will have to do.”

“Well, it’s not like we know anyone else who has this problem!”

“He’s four! We should wait.”

Meanwhile, James was looking between his parents like he was watching a very interesting table tennis match, snapping his head back and forth between the two.

“What do you have to do? What am I too young for?” he asked.

Both of his parents looked up in surprise as if they’d forgotten he was there.

“We’ll tell you when you’re older,” his father replied.

“But I’m a whole four years old!”

“No,” his mother said sharply, “You haven’t even started school yet. You’ll likely learn there.”

James snapped his wings open and back in irritation, “Fine.” and stomped off to his room.

~~~

A year later James started his first year of school. He loved school in Indiana. Quite a few of the other children had mutations too. The girl in the row next to him had short nubs on her head that could be the beginnings of horns according to the very basic five-year-old understanding of things that James had.

When they moved to Brooklyn, James thought this whole school thing in this new place was okay but it wasn’t like Indiana. At least there were other kids his age here that he got to play with. He couldn’t really play with Becca yet because she was too little, so he mostly just watched the birds and helped his Ma around the house.

He did like learning new things though. He liked learning how to read because it made just one more thing to occupy his time with. He also liked art even though he thought he was terrible at it, although everyone assured him that he was young and he would learn.

Writing was quite fun as well. He liked how his name looked on paper when the nuns wrote it down for him, James Buchanan Barnes, and showed him which letters were which. He learned the alphabet and how to write each letter.

Considering all the things James was doing at school, people were surprised when he told them his favorite subject was arithmetic. He especially loved numbers and he liked learning how to add them to make bigger numbers. The nuns told him that he may like numbers less when they were bigger and he was doing more than just adding but he doubted it.

His favorite part of every school day was going home and waiting for his father to get back from work so he could sit down and eat supper with his parents while he told them all about the things he had learned that day. They smiled and laughed and told him that he had a great mind and he would do big things someday even though his parents knew that mutants don’t get many good jobs because of how they look. Life would have been much easier for James Barnes if he hadn’t been born with wings.

~~~

James was walking home from school one day on a sunny afternoon and he was enjoying himself. He was six years old and felt near invincible. He had aced his maths test that day and one of the nuns had praised his efforts. He couldn’t wait to tell his parents about it over dinner.

As James walked farther down the street he heard a noise coming from a side alley. He stopped and listened, his wings fluttering nervously.

Shouts.

A loud crash.

James started running as fast as his little six-year-old legs could carry him to the mouth of an alley.

He looked down the alley just in time to see a kid his age push over a small, blond kid who looked around five. James started walking down the alley again and-

And that damn kid got right back up off the ground, fists raised.

That stubborn punk. He was going to get himself killed!

“Hey!” James shouted into the alley as he advanced, wings spread to try and make himself look bigger, “Pick on someone your own size!”

The bully turned, took one look at his wings and fled toward the only exit he saw; the mouth of the alley and straight toward James who cuffed him with one wing as the kid brushed past him.

“You didn’t need to do that. I had him on the ropes.” the skinny blond kid said irritably.

And that was when James Barnes met the stubborn punk that was little Steve Rogers.

 

* * *

 

This chapter’s song is [ Hero by Family of the Year ](https://youtu.be/iMVc0vG4K_k).


	2. Steve

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Never whine, never complain, never try to justify yourself." ~Robert Greene

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again I just want to thank everyone who leaves kudos and reads this. It just makes my day.

 Steven Grant Rogers was a very small boy who had been sickly since birth but that had never slowed him down one bit. He was a little spitfire who was born in Brooklyn, New York, in 1918. He and his mother had lived in the same ratty apartment since he was born. She had a job at a hospital as a nurse and worked late hours so he was often alone but that never really bothered him. He didn’t really have any friends and didn’t much like people in general.

 

He also didn’t like his school because the Nuns didn’t like him due to his “attitude.” The only thing he liked about school was art. Steve loved to draw. His mother brought him paper and pencils whenever she could and he would lay on the floor for hours drawing anything he saw. Granted he was five and his drawings weren’t that good but he liked to draw anyway.

 

None of the kids in his class liked him either because he was small, skinny, and the son of a poor Irish immigrant mother. They also didn’t like him because he got into arguments constantly with people much bigger and stronger than him.

 

Unfortunately one of those people was a boy about a year older than him who decided to jump him on his walk back to his apartment. Steve just chose the best people to act like a self-righteous idiot to.

 

The boy in question came running down the street and straight into Steve. He slammed Steve down an alley and into the brick wall of one of the buildings on either side. Steve made a choked “ _ oof _ ” noise as his back hit the wall.

 

“You should have just stayed where you belonged and kept your nose to yourself!” The larger boy shouted in Steve’s face, spit flying everywhere.

 

“Yeah, well you should have left that girl alone! She didn’t want anything to do with you!” Steve said as he kneed the larger boy in the groin. The boy in question had cat called one of the girls in his class earlier. He had likely picked it up from someone off the streets. Six-year-olds shouldn’t know those things.

 

As you probably could have guessed the kid went down because skinny five-year-olds turn out to be pretty pointy in the joint areas. 

 

The bully’s immediate response was to get off the ground with a snarl and punch Steve right in the month where he promptly started to bleed from a split lip and his nose. 

 

Steve made an attempt to throw a punch at the bigger boy but it was caught and Steve was thrown into the trash cans with a huge crash. 

 

Steve managed to struggle back to his feet and he looked up at the bully defiantly and was promptly pushed back to the ground. 

 

Steven Grant Rogers was no quitter so, once again, he scrambled to his feet and faced the older boy with his little fists raised in the air.

 

“Hey!”

 

A shout from the mouth of the alley.

 

Steve looked to the mouth and saw an honest to God angel walking toward him. Huge black wings spread wide and taking up the entire alley’s width. The boy with the wings looked about six and he was advancing fast toward Steve and the bully.

 

“Pick on someone your own size!” the angel shouted again.

 

The bully took one look at those huge black wings and hauled ass out of the alley as fast as he possibly could. Angel boy clipped the bully on the head with one of his wings as he brushed past.

 

Steve looked up again. Irritated, and wiped the back of his wrist across his mouth to get some of the blood off.

 

“You didn’t need to do that. I had him on the ropes,” Steve said to the boy.

 

The boy looked at him with a really disappointed expression that did not belong on a six-year-old’s face.

 

“I’m sure you did but I’m not about to let my friend get beat up in an alley, now am I,” came the reply.

 

“We aren’t friends.”

 

“Sure we are ‘cause I just said so,” a pause, “but only if you want to.”

 

“Why would someone like you wanna be friends with someone like me?” Steve huffed.

 

“You stood up again after you’d been pushed down. Ma told me that’s a good quality for a person to have.”

 

“Well, if we’re gonna be friends, what’s your name? Mine’s Steve. Steve Rogers.”

 

“James Barnes,” James said, offering a hand out to Steve.

 

Steve took the offer and they shook.

 

“James is an awful boring name. We have like five James’ in our class alone,” Steve announced as he looked at James curiously.

 

“Well, Steve isn’t exactly uncommon either.” 

 

“I was only saying you should have a nickname to set you apart,” Steve noted. “We can’t use Jim or Jem or anything like that cause those have been used before.”

 

“Oh, I’d just hate to be normal,” James said sarcastically.

 

“What’s your middle name?” Steve demanded.

 

“Buchanan,” James replied. “Why? You gonna make a name out of that?”

 

“Yeah, no, Buchanan’s too long to just use as a nickname,” Steve mused. “How about Buch?”

 

“No, that sounds weird,” James said. “Wouldn’t you feel weird calling me that all the time?”

 

“Yeah, guess so. Hmmmm. Buch. Buck,” Steve snapped his fingers sharply. “I know! How about Bucky!”

 

“Whatever you want Steve, as long as it’s not Buch,” Bucky said, looking down at the smaller boy. “How about we get out of here now and get home before our folks start to worry. We gotta get you cleaned up too. You’re bleedn’ everywhere.”

 

Bucky swiped at Steve’s chin with his thumb in vain to try and get the blood off.

 

“Yeah, guess so,” Steve agreed, “Where do you live?”

 

Bucky told Steve his address.

 

“I live in that building too!” Steve exclaimed. “I can’t believe I’ve never noticed you before.”

 

“Yeah, I’m kind of hard to miss,” Bucky said. “Since you live near me, I can get you home safe.”

 

“You’re only a year older than me, it doesn’t make you any more responsible.”

 

Bucky huffed, “C’mon let’s go,” as they started walking down the street once they’d bypassed the mouth of the alley. 

 

They had walked in companionable silence for a few minutes when Bucky spoke up, “Why haven't you asked about my wings yet? That’s the first thing most people say.”

 

“I figured that if you wanted to tell me, you would. Plus there’s really nothing to say, I think that they are beautiful and I’m a little jealous of them. There’s nothing special about me,” Steve said matter of factly.

 

“Don’t say that. You’re amazing! I saw your drawings in class today! You have talent,” came Bucky’s quick reply.

 

“Hmmm. Guess so,” Steve muttered. “Let’s just get home.”

 

~~~

 

When they got back to their apartment building they went up to Bucky’s floor where it turned out Steve had been living in the apartment right next door. Bucky brought Steve into his apartment and with a little coaxing made him sit down so Bucky could begin to wash the blood off of his face. 

 

“You are alright, right?” Bucky asked softly.

 

“Yeah, I’ll be fine,” Steve replied, just as soft.

 

Without them realizing, Bucky’s soft, feathered wings had come up around Steve and had loosely circled him protectively.

 

“What are you doing?” Steve said, confused, as he felt the soft feathers around him.

 

Bucky started and moved to put his wings back behind him, “Oh sorry. Sometimes they just do that.”

 

“No, it’s fine. You’re warm,” Steve gently pulled Bucky’s wings back around him and started examining his them with the detail only an artist could muster. 

 

Bucky cleared his throat, “I think your face is as clean as I can get it now. I can walk you home if you want.”

 

“Okay,” Steve got up and moved Bucky’s wings out of the way. “Let’s go.”

 

Bucky walked Steve over to his apartment which really wasn’t far enough to warrant an escort but he did anyway.

 

Steve turned, “I’ll see you tomorrow?” He said hopefully.

 

Bucky began to shut the apartment door, “Yeah, we can walk to school together.” 

 

“Goodbye.”

 

“Bye.”

 

~~~

 

“Ma!” Steve called as he heard the apartment door shut, signaling his mother’s return from work. “I made a new friend today!”

 

“Really! That’s great!” Sarah Rogers responded from the kitchen.

 

Steve came in the kitchen to talk to her as she made dinner, “Yeah, he’s in my class and his name is Bucky Barnes.”

 

“Barnes like next door Barnes?” Sarah asked.

 

“Yeah, it’s going to be nice having a friend next door,” Steve said happily. “We’re gonna walk to school together tomorrow.”

 

“I’m happy you found a friend,” Sarah said as she finished up fixing them dinner and brought it over to the table.

 

Steve sat down and grabbed his plate. “I’m glad I found him too.”

 

* * *

 

The song for this chapter is [ Flowers in Your Hair by The Lumineers ](https://youtu.be/ZI5Xpl7H5O4).

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The official playlist is [here](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/3jakrVXFGJBE2czqDXV1P7).


	3. Bucky

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Once you have tasted flight, you will forever walk the earth with your eyes turned skyward, for there you have been, and there you will always long to return.” ~Leonardo da Vinci

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is slightly longer than the others! Yay! I'm just going to post one chapter a week but if I have it done early it will be posted Sunday mornings like this one. If a chapter isn't done then I promise it will be within the week. Once again, I'd like to thank everyone for reading. It means the world to me.

 “Mrs. Rogers?” Bucky knocked on Steve’s apartment door. “Steve?”

 

The door opened quickly at his knock and Steve’s mother appeared in the doorway. She looked at Bucky and did a quick double take, “Come in dear, Steve’s almost ready.”

 

Bucky walked through the apartment doorway. He was dressed in slacks and a white shirt with suspenders and his shirt had holes in the back with buttons on the top so his wings could poke through without causing him discomfort.

 

Steve’s mom ushered Bucky into the kitchen. “Steve!” she called. “Bucky’s here!”

 

“Bucky!” Steve comes skidding out of the bedroom and slams into Bucky with a small “oof” noise.

 

“Steve didn’t tell me you had wings,” Steve’s mom said as she fixed his collar.

 

“Really? I’d have thought that was my best quality,” Bucky said and added a quick “ma’am” as an afterthought.

 

“Please, call me, Sarah.”

 

“Yes, ma’- I mean Sarah,” Bucky replied over the head of Steve who was still clinging to him.

 

Sarah smiled at him gently, “You should go now so you aren’t late.”

 

“Bye, Ma,” Steve said in lieu of a reply and untangled himself from Bucky’s arms which were still around him. Bucky’s wings were left twitching like they wanted to wrap around him as they had the night before.

 

“Let’s go, Buck,” Steve called behind him as he moved toward the door. Bucky followed and they walked out the door and down the apartment steps together onto the street.

 

“You didn’t tell her about me,” Bucky asked in a very small voice that didn’t sound like him at all.

 

“I did.”

 

“She seemed surprised by-,” Bucky gestured to his wings vaguely.

 

“I didn’t tell her about them, I just told her about you.”

 

“They are me,” Bucky said sadly.

 

“You’re not defined by them. They aren’t your personality. I told her about what an amazing person you are,” Steve replied sharply. “If you don’t want them to define you, they don’t have to.”

 

Bucky looked at his feet as they continued forward, “We’re gonna be late.”

 

They hurried on and sure enough, they were late. The nuns smacked their wrists for that but it was okay, they got to spend their day at school together as friends.

 

~~~

 

Bucky soon found out that school with a friend was much different than school without one. He found more joy in learning with Steve next to him. Art was particularly fun as Bucky found out that Steve could draw.

 

“That’s amazing,” Bucky sighed as he watched Steve draw during their art section of the day.

 

“I guess so. Ma gets me pencils every chance she can,” Steve replied.

 

“The best thing I can do is numbers.”

 

Steve looked over to him, “Lookit that, Barnes, another thing about you not defined by those wings.”

 

Said wings fluttered nervously and Bucky looked down, “S’not like I can even fly with them. My folks won’t let me try.”

 

“I’ll help you learn then,” Steve said matter-of-factly. “I can see if my Ma’ll take us to the park this weekend.”

 

“Okay,” Bucky replied and looked back down to his own drawing and cocked his head. “I don’t even remember what I was drawing.”

 

Steve laughed and cuffed him on the shoulder with one of his tiny fists.

 

~~~

 

They walked home together that night and the morning after that and every morning and evening that week until the weekend came with an unseasonably warm Saturday and Sarah agreed, with Bucky’s parents' permission, that she would take them to the park that day as she had the day off.

 

~~~

 

The moment the two boys got off the bus they were running into the huge grassy fields that made up the park which was ringed by tall trees. Sarah followed after them a little slower and called for them to be careful.

 

“Where do you want to go first?” Steve asked.

 

“I dunno,” Bucky replied. “Should we try the flying now or later?”

 

“Later, I think,” Steve said and as Bucky watched, he reached into his pocket and brought out a baseball.

 

“Where’d you get that!” Bucky exclaimed excitedly.

 

“It was my Pa’s I think,” Steve said back as he threw the ball to Bucky who by that time had moved back and gotten ready to catch whatever Steve threw at him.

 

Bucky laughed delightedly and threw the ball back. They played catch for a very long time before they remembered that they had a mission to complete.

 

“Should we tell my Ma?” Steve asked Bucky. “What if something happens and you get hurt?”

 

“It won’t. I’m sure we’ll be fine. If anything happens to me you can just run and get her, right,” Bucky reassured him.

 

“Right…” Steve replied.

 

The two of them walked toward a tree with branches low to the ground but was clear enough that Bucky probably wouldn’t hit a branch on the way down if it didn’t work.

 

Bucky sighed and looked up at the tree. It was honestly one of the bigger ones in the park and even though it had low branches, he still couldn’t quite pull himself up.

 

Bucky glanced behind him at Steve’s ma who was reading on a bench a couple of meters away.

 

“Can you give me a hand?” Bucky said to Steve, indicating he needed help getting to the first branch.

 

“Oh, sure,” Steve grabbed Bucky and helped push him up into the tree.

 

Both of them were breathing heavily by the time Bucky had his arms wrapped around the trunk of the tree, “Do you think I should be higher?”

 

“Maybe just a little. Ma won’t ever let us come back if you get hurt though so not too high, alright?” Steve told him.

 

Bucky nodded and hauled himself up a few more branches and looked down at Steve. He felt very small ad Steve looked even smaller than he already was. Bucky scooted a few more inches out onto the branch so he could open his wings and extend them. He flapped them gently and warmed up the muscles in them in hopes that it would help him even a little to be prepared for what was to come.

 

“Steve!” he called down the trunk.

 

Steve looked up at him, “Yeah, Buck?”

 

“Could you go farther out in front of the tree the way I’m facing ‘cause I have a feeling I’ll end up on the ground over there and not at the bottom if things go even slightly the way I want them to.”

 

Steve nodded up at him and walked a couple of meters farther out into the field in the direction Bucky had indicated.

 

Bucky flapped his wings again and spreads them wide before looking at the ground again quickly before looking back to Steve. Bucky took a deep breath before, with wings spread wide, he leaped.

 

Bucky’s wings caught the breeze and he soared a good fifteen feet before he started to panic as he realized the weightless feeling and plummeted toward the grass.

 

“Bucky!” Steve shouted, sounding a bit panicked.

 

Bucky hit the ground with a thud that shook his bones and an inhuman noise escaped his mouth. His forearms and knees ached from the way he landed and, his first thought was ‘ _wow, that’s gonna hurt in the morning’_ but it currently didn’t hurt enough to warrant tears, so Bucky rolled onto his back and spread his wings out around him with a groan.

 

Steve ran over and leaned over him in an instant and when he saw that Bucky was okay he attacked him with a hug.

 

“You did it! You flew!” Steve said happily into Bucky’s chest.

 

“I did!” Bucky laughed and he felt his wings starting to come up around him and Steve as they lay on the grass together celebrating Bucky’s victory.

 

“We should do this again next weekend,” Steve whispered.

 

“Kay,” Bucky whispered back.

 

“Boys!” they heard Sarah calling to them. “It’s time to go or we’ll miss the bus!”

 

Steve jumped up the moment Bucky’s wings had unwrapped from around him, “Coming, Ma!”

 

Bucky got up just as fast and they ran together to Sarah and then to the bus.

 

When they were seated Bucky turned to Sarah and said, “My folks told me to tell you guys that you are welcome at our place for dinner tonight if you like.”

 

“That’ll be lovely!”Sarah replied. “Steve, dear, would you like to go over to the Barnes’ for dinner?”

 

“Of course!”

 

Bucky smiled happily at Steve’s delight and settled back into his seat and waited for the ride to be over so he could spend more time with Steve.

 

~~~

 

They knocked on Bucky’s apartment door at precisely six o’clock and Bucky’s ma answered, “Please do come in.”

 

“Sarah Rogers,” Steve’s ma held out her hand. “You can call me Sarah. Very nice to meet you.”

 

Bucky’s ma took Sarah’s hand in both of hers, “Winifred Barnes. Please call me Winnie.”

 

Bucky looked at Steve with a look that said, ‘ _oh no, what have we done. They’re gonna be friends now too_ ’ as they all walked to the kitchen where Bucky’s father was at the counter making drinks and Bucky’s sister, Becca was seated at the table in a highchair. Bucky pulled out Steve’s chair for him just to be gentlemanly for his parents and rolled his eyes as their parents continued to make introductions.

 

Steve looked at Bucky with a mildly surprised expression, “I didn’t know you had a little sister.”

 

“Her name’s Becca,” Bucky told him. “I can’t believe I’ve never told you about her. She’s annoying sometimes but I love her.”

 

“How old is she?”

 

“Two.”

 

“That’s really awesome. I wish I had a sister.”

 

“I guess,” Bucky sighed as they turned back toward their parents.

 

“Call me George” Barnes and Sarah shook hands and then, finally, they were all seated at the table with the food steaming in front of them. Bread and stew that had potatoes and carrots and beef in it. The meal looked amazing and Bucky wasn’t surprised his parents had made something special for the occasion of someone coming over. It didn’t happen that often what with how Bucky looked.

 

The food was served and everyone chatted as they ate. The adults talked about work and they asked each other about their lives and they talked about the boys and Becca. Winnie kept feeding Becca little pieces of bread and potato in between her own bites. Bucky finished his food quickly and when he looked to Steve he saw that he was done too.

 

“May we be excused?” Bucky asked his parents.

 

“Sure, son,” his father replied without looking away from the person he was talking to who had briefly stopped her chatter to watch Steve and Bucky exit the room.

 

Bucky took Steve down the short hallway that led to his bedroom and they sat down on Bucky’s bed.

 

“Today was such an amazing day,” Steve sighed.

 

“It was. I wish it would never end,” Bucky replied.

 

“Me neither.”

 

Bucky felt his eyes growing heavy. It had been a long day and his belly was full of his ma’s amazing cooking and his best friend lay next to him curled up like a cat. Subconsciously, Bucky’s wings had curled around Steve like a blanket and they fell asleep like that, tucked in together. When both their mothers came in later to check on them, they both smiled at their boys and smiled to themselves. Both were glad their boys each had someone they could rely on, even at their young age.

 

~~~

 

Bucky and Steve woke up in the morning and continued on. They walked to and from school together. They went to the park every weekend that Steve’s ma had a day free and Bucky got to practice his flying. Fall eventually moved on and winter came roaring in with a vengeance. The morning Bucky woke to find frost on his window was the morning of the day he learned about all of Steve’s medical maladies which, as he soon discovered, they had been lucky enough to avoid until the cold and the damp arrived.

 

* * *

 

The song for this chapter is [ Paradise by Coldplay](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DbVz0jP722g).

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The official Spotify playlist is here. 
> 
> My YouTube channel with the playlist on it is here.


	4. Steve

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “We must be conscious of this; one day, the life we have, will be gone.” ~Lailah Gifty Akita

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh boy, has this been quite the week(I'm learning to drive!) and yet life continues on, so here's another chapter for you. I hope you enjoy it. This one hasn't changed much from the original.

 Steve woke up with a terrible headache and a scratchy throat that hurt every time a cough wracked his small frame. He ached everywhere from his joints to his muscles to his bones. He coughed again and tears dripped down his face from the pain. His chest was tight when he took in breaths that were far too shallow. ‘This has happened before,’ he reassured himself. ‘I’m not going to die.’ It sure felt like he was going to die. He just wanted to be a normal kid that didn’t get sick every other week.

Steve could hear his Ma coming down the hall, “Steve?” she said as she opened his bedroom door. “You have to get up now or you’ll be late.”

Steve tried to lean up on his elbows but that fails and he falls back to the pillows. He felt so hot.

Also cold.

Hot and cold at the same time?

His Ma rushed over to him and pressed her palm to his forehead. The coolness of it felt so nice. “Oh, honey, you have a fever.” she walked back out of the room and quickly came back with a wet cloth and which she gently placed over his forehead. “I’m gonna call it and say no school today, alright?”

All Steve could do in lieu of a reply was to groan weakly and make a failed attempt to push his quilt down his bed.

“No, don’t do that. I know you’re hot but you have to keep them on,” his Ma soothed him as she pushed his wrists gently back onto his chest. “I have to go to work today but I can ask if Winnie can come in and check on you occasionally.”

Steve nodded and his Ma was just shutting the bedroom door when he heard a knock coming from the front door.

“Steve?”

Of course, it’s Bucky. How could Steve have forgotten? He walked to school with him literally every day. He’s Steve best friend in the whole world.

He heard the door open and his Ma greet Bucky.

“Steve’s sick today,” she told him gently. “He won’t be going to school.”

“Can I see him quick before I go?” Bucky asked with a hint of a whine in his voice that just about broke Steve’s heart just hearing it.

“Be quick,” Steve’s Ma told him, but by the first word, Steve could hear he was already halfway down the hall.

The door opened with a sharp snap and Bucky tumbled through it with very little coordination. Like his one goal was to reach Steve, not caring if he hit the door frame with his shoulders in the process.

“Steve.” Bucky breathed as his eyes land on Steve laying in his bed.

“Hey, Buck. Sorry, you had to see me like this,” Steve managed through trying to suck in enough air. “Jinxed it by thinking maybe I wouldn’t get sick.”

Bucky gave him an anguished look and threw himself onto the bed, being mindful not to land on Steve as well as being careful not to knock anything over with his wings.

Speaking of which, one of them along with Bucky’s left arm had draped over Steve’s chest and his faced pressed into Steve’s neck.

“You don’t have to hide that you get sick from me, Stevie,” Bucky said, although he sounded a bit muffled due to the position of his mouth. “I’m your best friend and I worry ‘bout you. You’re a danger to yourself sometimes.”

“Yeah, Buck. I remember how we met,” Steve wrapped the arm not trapped under Bucky around his shoulders and gripped him as tight as he can as another fit of coughs began. Steve knew Bucky could feel him shaking with it and Bucky got up off of him to give him more air.

“Bucky!” Steve’s Ma called from the kitchen. “You’re gonna be late! C’mon!”

“I’ll see you after school?” Bucky said hopefully to Steve who’s coughing fit had ended by then.

“Yeah, ‘course,” Steve replied. “Tell the nuns I won’t be there.”

“Bye,” Bucky said as the very tips of the feathers on his wings brushed over Steve’s eyelids. It felt nice. Feathers are very soft.

“Bye, Buck. See you later.”

~~~

The rest of Steve’s day was pretty uneventful. He ate the soup that his Ma had left for him from dinner a couple of nights ago. Winnie had checked in on him a few time to make sure he was alright and each and every time he assured her he was fine. His coughing fits didn’t get any better and neither did his fever. His bones and joints still ached but that wasn’t new even with the sick. It just got a bit more painful. Steve always ached in some place or another. His mom had told him that the doctors had thought that he wouldn’t survive his first week but here he was, five years later. Over the years, doctors had diagnosed him with a multitude of problems. All of which he had soldiered through because he was not going to die because his stupid heart wasn’t strong enough. Now that he had Bucky, life was even more worth living and he was going to fight for every second of breath that he had.

He just couldn’t wait for Bucky to get back.

So, instead of staring at the ceiling, Steve decided to sleep until Bucky returned from school.

~~~

Steve woke when he heard a knock at the front door. He didn’t know what time it was but he could only assume it was Bucky because he heard the front door slowly open and shut again. There are only three people who let themselves into his house and that’s his Ma, Bucky’s Ma and Bucky.

So, it had to be Bucky.

“Bucky?” Steve managed to croak out as his bedroom door creak open. “That you?”

“Yeah, Stevie,” Bucky replied as he came in. “It’s me.”

Steve made grabby hands at him and Bucky sighed and shut the door behind him before he walked over to Steve where he was lying in his bed.

“How was school?” Steve asked. “What’d I miss?”

“Not much. It was all the normal stuff. The nuns asked where you were and I told them you were sick,” Bucky lay down next to Steve and covered him with one big, warm wing. Steve curled his fingers into the feathers gently and dragged them down. He felt Bucky shiver happily so he did it again. It was kind of like petting a very large cat.

If the cat had feathers and was as big as his Ma’s wardrobe.

“I’m sorry I got sick,” Steve whispered sadly around his sore throat. “It usually happens way more often. We were really lucky I didn’t get sick in the months you’ve known me so far.”

“Hey,” Bucky whispered back. “It’s not your fault. Everyone gets sick.”

Steve sighed sadly and looked away from his friend to the wall, “The problem is I get sick all the time. I’ve had my last rites once already. No one thought I was going to survive.”

“Steve-” Bucky tried to say before Steve cut him off.

“No, Buck. I don’t want your sympathy. Just let me say this. My Ma says I have a bunch of incurable illnesses and she won’t tell me what they all are unless I make it to my tenth birthday because she doesn’t want me to worry too much. That probably means she doesn’t expect me to live that long. I’m just gonna live while I’m alive so don’t pity me.” Steve’s voice cracked on the last word and he could feel the tears as they formed in his eyes.

“Aw, Stevie,” Bucky said to him quietly. “I’m not gonna pity you. We’re gonna do anything we want and enjoy it.”

Steve sniffed and turned so his face was hidden in the space between Bucky’s wing and where it was draped over him and his shoulder.

“How ‘bout for my birthday we go out and do something fun together,” Bucky said over the top of his head. “Maybe our parents will take us to Central Park and we can fly again.”

Steve nodded wearily against him in agreement, “I think I’ll just sleep some more,” he said dreamily.

“You do that, “ Bucky said with a hint of a laugh in his voice. “I’m not going anywhere.”

~~~

Steve did get better.

After a few days, he was off to school again even if he did still have a slight cough.

After a week it was like he hadn’t been sick at all and he was back to getting into trouble with Bucky and helping him learn to fly on the weekends. Steve loved the way the fluffy snow poofed around Bucky when he landed. He loved how the bright snow contrasted with his dark wings.

Yes, sir.

Steve was going to live like each day would be his last and he was going to enjoy each one with his best friend.

 

* * *

 

This chapter’s song is [ Holdin’ Out by The Lumineers ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J_x0Yzf4Ifo).

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always the official Spotify playlist is here and the YouTube playlist is here.


	5. Bucky

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Disappointment to a noble soul is what cold water is to burning metal; it strengthens, tempers, intensifies, but never destroys it.” ~Eliza Tabor

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm just gonna say: please don't hate me. Also, religious people: Happy Easter!

 

Winter continued on and Steve did get sick again but never worryingly so. Each time Bucky stayed at his side just like he usually did when he didn’t have to go to school. It felt to Bucky like the months were inching by but he did take Steve’s advice even though it wasn’t even directed to Bucky. He was going to enjoy every bit of time he could with his best friend.

~~~

 

March blew in and Bucky was getting very excited for his birthday. It landed on a weekend this year and his parents and Steve’s Ma were all going to take Steve and him and Becca to Central Park to celebrate. They were going to go to the playground and then just run and play catch for the rest of the day. Becca in all her two-year-old glory was excited too.

 

Bucky decided to go over to Steve’s that day and when he walked in the front door it was to see Steve lying in a patch of sunlight on the kitchen floor with his sketchbook open in front of him.

 

“Hey, Buck!” Steve said cheerily to him when Bucky came in and sat down on the floor next to him.

 

“What are you drawing?” Bucky asked him even though he could see very clearly what he was drawing.

 

Or rather who.

 

A blush rose to Steve’s cheeks as Bucky watched, “You.”

 

Bucky looked down again at Steve’s drawing.  _ It’s very good for a five-year-old _ , Bucky thought. Steve was no Picasso but he’s good. He’d captured Bucky’s expression almost perfectly and Bucky could recognize the scene that Steve had drawn. It was from a few weekends ago when they had gone to the park and Bucky had practiced flying again. He had landed in the snow and it had puffed up around him and he’d started laughing. Steve had started laughing too and they had rolled together in the snow until they were both soaked to the skin and they had to go home before Steve caught another cold.

 

“Am I a good model?” Bucky asked as slyly as a vain almost seven-year-old could.

 

“The very best,” Steve answered and looked up from his drawing at Bucky. Bucky felt his wings flutter nervously and looked away, clearing his throat.

 

“Are you gettin’ me something good for my birthday?”

 

“I have something planned, yeah,” Steve replied and went back to drawing. That was all that was said for a long while by either of them as Bucky was enamored by how Steve’s pencil moved across the page.

 

~~~

 

The Friday before Bucky’s birthday went as every other Friday goes. Steve and he walked to school. They sat and got bored at school and then they walked home. 

 

“Are you excited for tomorrow, Buck?” Steve asked him as they were walking up the steps to their apartment building.

 

“Of course I am!” Bucky said excitedly. “I’m going to try and fly and actually land in another tree tomorrow. I have a surprise for you as well.”

 

“What is it?” Steve asked him, glancing up.

 

Bucky laughed as he imagined it, “If I tell you, it wouldn’t be a surprise.”

 

“Well, I have a surprise for you too,” Steve tried to get in the last word.

 

“Oh yeah, punk?” Bucky retorted. “Let’s go inside.”

 

Bucky smiled to himself as they walked up the flights of stairs that would take them to their apartments, “Hey, Stevie, you should stay over tonight as an early birthday present.”

 

“I think that’s a swell idea,” Steve said. “I can ask Ma.”

 

“I’ll ask my folks too.”

 

When they reached the top of the stairs they go to their separate apartments and Bucky sat down at the table with his family who was waiting for him to get home before they started eating. Dinner was bread and potatoes again. Bucky was kind of getting sick of bread and potatoes.

 

“Can Steve stay over tonight?” Bucky asked his parents.

 

“Sure,” his Ma said. “After you eat you can go get him.”

 

His Pa nodded in agreement and went back to eating. Bucky smiled to himself and quickly finished eating his supper. He got up and headed over to Steve’s apartment and knocked.

 

“Steve?”

 

The door opened and Steve came out, “Yeah, c’mon.”

 

Bucky flung one arm over his shoulders and then they walked together back to Bucky’s apartment.

 

Bucky threw a quick “goodnight” over his shoulder to his parents as they passed the kitchen on the way to Bucky’s bedroom. Bucky regrettably had to remove his arm from Steve to get through the door. He watched Steve sit down on his bed before he just collapsed onto the pillows.

 

Bucky asked, “Long day?”

 

“We had the same day, stupid.”

 

“Sure,” Bucky laughed as he changed into his sleep clothes and came to lay on the bed beside Steve.

 

“Soft,” Steve gently pulled one of Bucky’s wings over himself like a blanket.

 

Bucky shivered at the feeling and Steve started to card his fingers through the feathers again. It really did feel good. Like someone running their fingers through your hair. Bucky wrapped his arm around Steve and curled into him so Steve just pushed his fingers deeper into the feathers in satisfaction. When Bucky finally fell asleep, Steve was still running his fingers through Bucky’s feathers.

 

~~~

 

The next morning, Bucky woke with his arm still wrapped tightly around Steve. Steve’s fingers were still buried in his feathers and he was snoring softly. Bucky smiled to himself and tried to extricate himself from Steve but the smaller boy only tightened his grip.

 

“Steve,” Bucky whispered to him.

 

“Mmff,” came the sleepy reply.

 

“We gotta get up. It’s my birthday, c’mon.”

 

“Noooo.”

 

It was at that moment Bucky decided that no matter how cute Steve was asleep, he was hungry and was going to get up. He pushed Steve completely off the bed as he got up himself. Steve made a startled noise and flailed his arms and legs as an attempt to keep his balance. 

 

“You should come with me back to my apartment,” Steve groaned. “I don’t have clothes here.”

 

“Maybe I will if you stop complaining and get up,” Bucky snarked back. 

 

Steve just laughed and laid his head back against the floor.

 

~~~

 

About two hours later, everyone was on the subway on the way to Central Park. Bucky looked around the car at the New Yorkers who were in there with them and then down at Steve who was seated at his side and was scowling at the lady across from them who was blatantly staring at Bucky. Steve began to open his mouth and Bucky slapped his hand over it.

 

“Mmmffff!” Steve said indignantly.

 

“When will you learn to shut your damn mouth!” Bucky hissed at him.

 

“Language!”

 

“You literally have the worst mouth of anyone I know!”

 

“Both of you!” Bucky’s Pa said. “Calm yourselves! We are in public.”

 

“George,” Bucky’s Ma scolded him. “They’re children!”

 

Bucky crossed his arms and slouched a little in his seat, drawing his wings in a bit. The lady continued to glare at him and despite Bucky’s warning, Steve just glared back. It was a blessing when they get to their stop and were able to get off. The moment they were above ground again, Bucky stretched his wings and sighed. It hurt having them so cramped for extended periods of time. The five of them walked the few blocks to the park and Bucky looked up at the huge trees that were even bigger than the ones in Brooklyn. They all walked together and found a spot on the grass near the playground to put down their blanket and Bucky’s Ma gently set Becca on top of it. She squealed happily and smiled at Bucky so he leaned down and kissed her little head.

 

“C’mon, Steve,” Bucky said. “What do you want to do first?”

 

“Dunno, Buck. It’s your birthday.”

 

Bucky led Steve over to the giant jungle gym. It seemed so huge to them and especially Steve, who was already short as it was. Bucky climbed up the ship ladder that lead to a bridge and Steve followed slightly slower. Bucky looked back when he heard Steve squeak and saw that Steve’s leg had slipped through the ropes about halfway up the ladder. Steve looked at him a bit helplessly as he tried to fruitlessly untangle his legs but his flailing limbs only managed to entangle him more. 

 

Steve sighed, chagrinned, “I’m gonna have to admit that I need help.”

 

Bucky smirked and jumped off the wooden platform to glide to the ground. He was getting a lot better and he was even able to fly longer distances.

 

“I was hoping that maybe I could give you your surprise later but now is as good a time as any.”

 

“Bucky, what-” Steve cut off when he saw Bucky jump into the air, flapping his wings and watched as he landed, still flapping to keep himself steady, on the ladder behind Steve. Bucky put his hands under Steve’s arms and lifted. He continued to beat the air with his wings and haul Steve out of the net. Bucky had to admit that it was a little bit dramatic but he did always have a flair for it.

 

“Steve?”

 

“Yeah, Buck?” Steve answered, still a bit gape-jawed at Bucky’s approach to the problem.

 

“You think you could put your arms around my neck?”

 

Steve lifted his arms up over Bucky’s shoulders and Bucky felt his fingers digging into the muscle there. Once Steve had situated himself and had his hand clasped around Bucky’s neck tightly, Bucky dropped to the ground. Steve made a tiny disappointed noise.

 

“I kinda thought for a moment you were gonna fly me somewhere.”   
  


“I am. That’s your surprise. I just wanted to make sure I’m not gonna drop you first.”

 

Steve got a tighter grip on Bucky’s neck and even wrapped his legs around Bucky’s waist like a koala. 

 

“This a good enough grip for you?” Steve snarked.

 

“No,” Bucky wrapped his arms around Steve’s back as well and then squatted down. “Hold on.”

 

He jumped and leaped into the air, beating his wings hard to keep them both in the air. They were only about ten feet off the ground but Bucky was almost having trouble keeping them both in the air. After all, he had only learned to fly the previous fall. Bucky shifted slightly to change their course closer to their parents who had looked up and Bucky’s Pa’s jaw dropped and Becca laughed excitedly. Bucky grimaced and Steve tensed when they both felt the rhythm of Bucky’s flapping falter momentarily and Bucky’s eyes went wide when he felt them both starting to drop. He pressed Steve closer to himself and opened up his wings in a sloping glide to bring them nearer to the ground. When they were nearly there, Bucky flipped them both over and crashed onto the grass on his back with Steve safely still pressed to his chest.

 

Steve giggled, muffled slightly, “You’re so screwed!” he said gleefully.

 

“James Buchanan Barnes!” Bucky’s Ma fumed. 

 

Steve rolled off both into the grass and Bucky shifted up onto his knees and shrunk in on himself.

 

“Why didn’t you tell your father and I that you learned to fly!” his Ma seethed. “You were supposed to wait!”

 

“Sorry, Ma…” Bucky whimpered.

 

“You’re not going to do it again under my roof! You got that!” George shouted.

 

Bucky cowered further but Steve’s Ma came to his rescue, “He’s just a boy. Let him learn to use the gifts he was given.”   
  


“Ha! Gifts!” George scoffed. “I’m glad at least that we had one normal child!”

 

“George!” Bucky’s Ma cut in. “Don’t say that!”

 

Bucky turned slowly, as if not to make his arguing parents’ attention turn back onto him. Becca was crying now and Sarah had picked her up and was bouncing her on her lap to try and sooth the two-year-old.

 

Steve touched on of Bucky’s wings gently and Bucky flinched so Steve drew his hand back, “C’mon, Buck. I brought the baseball.”

 

Bucky let himself be lead away from his bickering parents and into the cover of the tall oak trees. They tossed the ball back and forth for a little while but Bucky’s heart wasn’t really into it. Eventually, he just collapsed into the ground and his shoulders began to shake with great, shuddering sobs that racked his whole body. Steve ran over and wrapped his arms around his best friends.

 

“Are you alright?” 

 

Bucky just shook his head. 

 

“Please talk to me, Buck.”

 

“I’m alright,” Bucky hiccuped. “Jus’ wish they’d stop fighting over me.”

 

“It’ll all sort itself out. Do you want to go home?”

 

Bucky shook his head in answer, “I want to try again.”

 

“With what?”

 

“That was a bad surprise so I wanna give you a better one.”

 

“Bucky, you don’t have to-”

 

“Please, Steve?”

 

“Sure,” Steve wrapped his limbs around his best friend and Bucky kicked off the ground and flew to a high branch in one of the trees surrounding them. The branch was wide enough that they could sit comfortably and there was another branch at their backs so they could lean back without fear of falling. Bucky’s sobbing continued and Steve curled into him in an attempt to help what couldn’t be helped by mere contact.

 

~~~

 

Eventually, they were called down and their landing was better than earlier. The subway ride back to Brooklyn was tense, to say the least, and Bucky’s eyes were downcast the whole time. He stayed pressed against Steve in between his friend and Sarah. They got home and Bucky followed Steve into his apartment and into Steve’s room where Steve pulled a piece of paper out from under his bed. He glanced down at it and then passed it to Bucky.

 

“Happy birthday, Bucky.”

 

Bucky looked down at the drawing in his hand and saw that it was of him and Steve and their families. They were all standing close together. Winnie holding Becca and Bucky standing in the middle of them all with his wings stretched wide to encompass all of them. Bucky sniffed again and felt tears almost coming but then he looked to Steve who had a very hopeful expression written all over his face.

 

“I love it,” Bucky whispered. “Thank you. For everything.”

 

“You’re welcome,” Steve answered. “You want to see if you could stay over tonight after dinner?”

 

“Yeah, let me go ask my Ma.”

 

~~~

 

Bucky slept over that night at Steve’s house on his seventh birthday and cried himself to sleep wrapped around Steve. He showed up at Steve’s door on Monday morning wearing a leather harness that bound his wings tightly to his back. He looked down at his feet when Steve asked him about it and said that his Pa didn’t want him using them as punishment. The moment they got out of range of their building, Steve unbuckled the harness and threw it in an alley.

 

“You don’t need this, Buck,” Steve said angrily. “There ain’t nothing wrong with you.”

 

Bucky sniffed and looked down at the harness where it had landed. He burst into tears and threw himself on Steve. 

 

“Aw, no. It’s okay.” Steve wrapped his arms around Bucky, who was shaking with the force of his sobs.

 

“I’m sorry,” Bucky sniffed.

 

“Don’t be sorry for being who you are,” Steve said into Bucky’s neck. “You’re amazing just the way you are. Don’t listen to your Pa.”

 

Bucky brought his wings up around Steve in a full body hug and just cried harder. Steve just shushed him gently and squeezed him tighter.

 

“Bucky…” Steve said softly. “We’re gonna be late.”

 

Bucky unwrapped himself from Steve and wiped his eyes hastily.

 

“Sorry, yeah, let’s go.”

  
As they walked to school, Bucky looked at Steve, whose jaw was still stubbornly set in Bucky’s defense.  _ ‘I don’t know what I’d do without you,’ _ Bucky thought to himself.  _ ‘I won’t ever let anything happen to you.’ _ There was really nothing Bucky could do about that, seeing as Steve got sick so often but Bucky would do everything in his power to keep his fiery little friend safe.

 

* * *

 

The song for this chapter is [Skinny Love by Bon Iver](https://youtu.be/zVGl8Spm1v8). Most of you have probably heard Skinny Love by Birdy but hers was a cover. This is the original.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just want to be clear that Bucky's Pa has period typical attitudes toward mutants and other things such as homosexuality. He sees Bucky as an embarrassment but he does still love him. Bucky's Ma just cares for his well-being and that's why she reacted that way.
> 
> As always the official Spotify playlist is here and the YouTube playlist is here.


	6. Bucky

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "For I'm so scared of losing you  
> And I don't know what I can do about it  
> About it  
> So tell me how long, love, before you go  
> And leave me here on my own  
> I know that, I don't wanna know  
> Who I am without you"  
> ~Agape by Bear's Den

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know this is the second chapter in a row that was written in Bucky's PoV but I had to to make it make sense the way I wanted it to. I hope you enjoy it. I actually had to research Steve's health problems for this one. Also, this chapter is a tad shorter than usual 'cause I'm cutting it in half.
> 
> What'd everyone think about Endgame? If you saw it anyway. I'm not gonna post spoilers but I'm honestly shook.

One morning in spring, 1928, Bucky woke after dreaming of flying. Except Steve was flying with him on his own set of wings. They were huge and golden and everything that Steve was all at once. Steve in his dream had laughed and grabbed his hands and they had tumbled out of the sky together and then, before they hit the ground, Bucky jolted awake. His eyes flew open and he looked up at the cracked ceiling blearily. He yawned and stretched leisurely before rolling over in hopes of getting a few more minutes of sleep.

That’s when Bucky’s ma opened his door and came into his room quietly.

“Bucky,” his Ma called to him softly, shaking him a bit. “Bucky, dear, Steve’s worse. His cold, I mean.”

Bucky sat bolt upright in surprise, wings flaring open. Steve’d had a mild cold all week but he had been fine. This wasn’t supposed to happen. It wasn’t supposed to get worse. Winter had ended and so had the danger of Steve getting sick. Mostly. His immune system was still shit.

“How bad is it,” he croaked, his voice still thick with sleep.

“It’s bad. The doctor is coming later today. I just thought you’d want to know first.”

Bucky put his face in his hands. They’d had one close shave just earlier that year. Steve had gotten badly sick over the winter and he’d ended up losing some of his hearing in his left ear to a bad bout of sinusitis. He didn’t need this on top of everything else.

“Do you have any idea what it is?”

“No, we won’t know until the doctor gets here,” his Ma replied. “Has anything been going around school that he may have caught?”

“I don’t think-,” Bucky started. “Wait! Yes! The nuns say some kids have been staying home because they caught the scarlet fever.”

Winnie covered her mouth with one hand and looked down at her son sadly.

“What is it, Ma?”

“Well,” Bucky’s Ma paused briefly. “It’s just that a lot of kids who get scarlet fever don’t survive it.”

“No. Steve has to live.”

“That’s not in our control. If that’s really what he has - and we won’t know ‘til the doctor gets here - then he’s in God’s hands now.”

Bucky wrapped his wings around himself, cocooning himself in before looking back to his Ma.

“Can I see him?”

“Yes, but you can’t hug him today. I don’t want you to catch it too.”

Bucky nodded glumly.

“You should get dressed first though, “ his Ma suggested as she stepped out of his room, shutting the door.

Bucky sighed and slumped against the wall. Stevie couldn’t die. He just couldn’t. Bucky needed him. Bucky moved around his room and got dressed slowly. He’d have to go to school again without Steve too. School without Steve wasn’t very fun. He walked out of his bedroom and over to Steve’s apartment where he stopped and knocked. Sarah opened the door, looking a bit haggard.

She waved him into the apartment, “Oh, come in Bucky, he keeps asking for you.”

Bucky raced to Steve’s bedroom and flung open the door as he had all those years ago the first time Steve had gotten sick while being friends with Bucky. This time though, Bucky didn’t fling himself on his friend, he just stared at Steve. Steve looked terrible. His skin was red with rash and he was sweating buckets, indicated what was probably a high fever.

Steve coughed weakly, trying to clear his throat, “Hey, Buck.”

Bucky walked over to Steve and knelt next to his bed, “How’re you feeling, Stevie?”

“Honestly, I feel like absolute shit,” Steve mumbled.

“I was told the doctor’s coming this afternoon.”

“Yep, maybe I’ll be told that I’m actually gonna die this time.”

“Don’t say that.”

“Can’t delay the inevitable if it’s true.”

“It’s not,” Bucky sniffed. “You gotta live. You ain’t even ten yet.”

Steve coughed again, “It’s okay.”

“It’s really not.”

“Go to school, Buck. I promise I won’t die ‘til you get home.”

“Promise?”

“Promise.”

Bucky smiled weakly at Steve and slowly walked out of the apartment and down to the street. Walking to school was boring without Steve’s usual chatter. Bucky truly didn’t know what he’d do without Steve. Sure, he had other friends at school but none of them were as good of a friend as Steve. Steve had taught him to fly. Steve had held him when Bucky’s Pa had gotten angry. Steve, for the past five years, had just been there for Bucky. As Bucky walked, his thoughts drifted. They never strayed far from worry for his best friend but he started thinking of other things. When he arrived at school he went about his day as normal. He talked with his other friends and he worked on his school work. No one asked where Steve was except for the nun taking attendance who just scoffed when Bucky told her he was sick.

If he was being honest with himself, Bucky felt a little sick too. Sick with worry for Steve.

‘Steve will live,’ he thought. ‘He’s lived through too much already just to die now.’

Bucky continued through the rest of his day with that thought in his head. School was a bit easier after he had reassured himself that Steve wouldn’t die but on his way back to their building he ended up thinking of all the what ifs.

Bucky hated what ifs.

It wasn’t even for any good reason really but it felt like Bucky’s whole life was just one big what if.

What if he’d never been born with wings?

What if he’d never learned to use them?

What if Bucky got them removed?

And of course, What if Steve died?

Bucky just couldn’t escape them. He shook his head violently and a few passersby glanced at him with concern but he ignored them. He had just learned to keep his head down and keep walking. People always stared at him even though they were New Yorkers and saw weird stuff every day. Maybe a kid with massive wings was just the weirdest. Bucky sighed and trudged on.

~~~

Bucky got to their building a bit later than he usually did. It surprised even him because he did want to see Steve pretty badly. When he did arrive at their apartment building, he ran up the stairs and knocked on Steve’s door. Sarah let him in and nodded in response to Bucky’s silent plea. Bucky walked calmly to Steve’s room and pushed open the door.

Steve looked even worse than he had earlier that day. The brilliant blue of his eyes and the sleek shine of his hair had been dulled by sickness.

Steve looked at him with resignation when he came through the door, “The doc said it is scarlet fever.”

Bucky sagged against the doorway, “And?”

“If it gets worse I probably won’t have long to live. I heard him talking to my Ma about it when they thought I was sleeping.”

Bucky strode over to Steve and kneeled next to him on the floor, “I can’t lose you. You’re my best friend.”

“I’m too stubborn to die, Buck,” Steve coughed. “You said it yourself a hundred times.”

“Guess I did, didn’t I, Stevie.”

“You did. I won’t die on you,” Steve lay his head back on his pillow. “Both the doc and my Ma say I hafta sleep if I even have the smallest chance.”

“Alright,” Bucky reached out but quickly drew his hand back, it wouldn’t do to have both of them get sick. “Sleep well.”

Steve nodded and Bucky left the room. He walked out of Steve’s apartment and into his own where he went to his fire escape in his room and climbed out the window. He climbed up and onto the roof where he ended up just sitting with his wings folded in around himself. He buried his head in his arms and tears ran down his face and stained the fabric of his shirt with his misery. He thought back to earlier and his own thoughts on Steve, ‘Why was I thinking about his eyes and his hair? Is that a normal thing for a friend to think about? Not like I could ask my Pa about it anyway, he’d probably just call me a fairy and be done with it. His wings came up around himself tighter and tighter until all light was blocked out by dark feathers and Bucky was alone to his thoughts in his own world. Just thinking about being alone made him cry harder.

~~~

His Ma came up later to gently coax him down off the roof. When Bucky was seated at dinner with his parents and Becca who was chattering away happily about her day, he decided that he would keep his thoughts from the roof to himself. No one needed to know but him.

 

* * *

 

The song for this chapter is [ Agape by Bear’s Den. ](https://youtu.be/Y7flsBjgK-E)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always the official Spotify playlist is here and the YouTube playlist is here.


	7. Steve

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Loving and fighting  
> Accusing, uniting  
> I can't imagine a world with you gone  
> The joy and the chaos, the demons we're made of  
> I'd be so lost if you left me alone"  
> ~Hold On by Chord Overstreet

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, this is the second half to last weeks chapter. I split it in two because I wanted sections from both chapters and I was super busy and haven't had a lot of chances to write so you get two shortish chapters in a row. High school essays, am I right?
> 
> I'm so sorry this is late. My week was so busy that I didn't have any time to write at all.

Steve dreamed that he was on fire. He was lit up from the inside out and his brain was cooking inside the cauldron of his skull. He was screaming and screaming and in his dream, Bucky came running and yelling for him, one wing flapping frantically and the other one hanging limply and dragging on the ground.

 

“Steve!”

 

Steve tossed in his sleep and kept screaming and in his dream, he collapsed to his knees before rolling to his side and curling up in the fetal position.

 

“STEVE!”

 

Someone was shaking him and he was screaming.

 

Steve jerked awake and his Ma was standing over him with a terrified, concerned expression on her face. His throat hurt and he realized he must have been screaming outside his dream too. His head pounded and he still felt like he was on fire. His skin was red and irritated all over his body on top of everything else.

 

Steve felt a soft hand on his forehead, “Oh, Steve, you’re burning up.”

 

She looked very panicked. Steve knew he’d been sick all week but his Ma had thought that it would clear up eventually so she’d just had him sleep more and drink more water but the look on her face told Steve that this wasn’t just a common cold. He leaned back against his pillow again and groaned.

 

“I feel like I’m dying,” Steve managed to croak out around a throat hoarse from screaming. 

 

“You’re not dying but you’re also not going to school until this clears up,” His Ma held a glass of water to his lips and he sipped some gingerly. It hurt too much to swallow a lot.

 

“Is Bucky up yet?”

 

“I’m not sure. I can ask Winnie to wake him up if you want me to.”

 

“Please?”

 

“I’m calling the doctor first though,” His Ma ran a hand through his sweat-dampened hair. “Then I’ll go tell Winnie.”

 

Steve nodded in agreement and closed his eyes. He felt his Ma get up off of from where she had been seated on his bed and heard her leave the room, shutting the door with a click behind her. Steve sighed and scrunched his face up against the pain in his head. Before he knew it he had fallen asleep again. 

 

~~~

 

Steve woke suddenly once again when his bedroom door was flung open and Steve opened his eyes to see Bucky clutching the door-frame in white knuckled-hands, wings fluttering around him agitatedly. He didn’t come closer, which was probably for the best so he just stared at Steve.

 

Steve coughed weakly to clear his throat, “Hey, Buck.”

 

Bucky walked over to Steve and knelt next to his bed, “How’re you feeling, Stevie?”

 

“Honestly, I feel like absolute shit,” Steve mumbled.

 

“I was told the doctor’s coming this afternoon.”

 

“Yep, maybe I’ll be told that I’m actually gonna die this time.”

 

“Don’t say that.” 

 

“Can’t delay the inevitable if it’s true.”

 

“It’s not,” Bucky sniffed. “You gotta live. You ain’t even ten yet.”

 

Steve coughed again, “It’s okay.”

 

“It’s really not.”

 

“Go to school, Buck. I promise I won’t die ‘til you get home.”

 

“Promise?”

 

“Promise.”

 

Bucky smiled at Steve and reached out for him before drawing his hand back. He got up from beside Steve and walked out of his room, the tips of his wings dragging dejectedly on the floor, Bucky looked back at Steve before he shut the door, eyes shining. Steve didn’t have the energy to stay awake and he hurt everywhere so he just fell back asleep.

 

~~~

 

Steve woke again to his Ma shaking him.

 

“Steve, c’mon,” she said. “The doctor’s here to see what’s wrong.”

 

Steve sat up slowly but fell back again as the ache in his head came back full force. His Ma came over and sat on his bed while she offered him a glass of water which he sipped a bit of before turning his head away. The doctor came through the door. He was a kind looking man and made quick work of looking Steve over and checking his temperature.

 

“Has there been anything going around in his school?” the doctor asked Sarah gently.

 

“Our neighbor told me that scarlet fever has been going around,” Sarah said nervously. “St- Steve’s prone to catching everything that goes around.”

 

The doctor looked up at her sadly and then back down to Steve, “I’m afraid that he’s caught it, Mrs. Rogers. I can give you medicine for him and we can only pray that he survives it.”

 

Sarah looked from the doctor to Steve and then she looked at the floor, “How much?”

 

“Let’s go out in the hall, shall we?” the doctor responded, packing up his tools.

 

Steve watched his Ma and the doctor leave his bedroom and shut the door behind them. He listened to their muffled voices coming from the hall and lay back against his pillows. He closed his eyes and fell back to sleep again.

 

~~~

 

Steve woke again when he heard a knock on the front door followed by soft footsteps coming down the hall. The door to his room was pushed open quietly and Steve opened his eyes to see Bucky standing in the doorway.

 

“The doc said it is scarlet fever,” Steve said with quiet resignation.

 

Bucky’s shoulders slumped and he leaned heavily on the doorframe, “And?”

 

Steve looked down, “If it gets worse I probably won’t have long to live. I heard him talking to my Ma about it when they thought I was sleeping.”

 

Bucky walked across the room, wings drooping, “I can’t lose you. You’re my best friend.”

 

“I’m too stubborn to die, Buck,” Steve coughed. “You said it yourself a hundred times.”

 

“Guess I did, didn’t I, Stevie.”

 

“You did. I won’t die on you,” Steve lay his head back on his pillow. “Both the doc and my Ma say I hafta sleep if I even have the smallest chance.”

 

“Alright,” Bucky reached out to Steve but drew his hand back quickly, eyes shining. “Sleep well.”

 

Bucky stood up and left again for the second time that day. Steve might not even see him again. He never knew what words might be his last to anyone when he got sick. He could just die one day and the world would just keep moving on without him. 

 

Eventually, his Ma came in and fed him some soup before she left to let him sleep some more. Steve fell into a sleep filled with dreams caused by the sickness and to the quiet murmur of his Ma praying in her room next door.

 

~~~

 

Steve woke up the next day and the next and the next and after a week of having scarlet fever he didn’t get any better. 

 

After a week of having scarlet fever, Steve got worse.

 

The medicine ran out and his Ma didn’t have enough money to get more for him so he got worse. Steve woke one morning to more pain than he thought he’d ever felt in his life. His head was throbbing still but now his joints were aching on top of everything else. His Ma ended up calling the doctor again and when he arrived he looked at Steve cautiously.

 

The doctor turned to Steve’s Ma, “You said he’s had scarlet fever for over a week?” 

 

“Yes, I gave him the medicine and it seemed like it was helping but then it ran out and we weren’t able to get more.”

 

The doctor looked down at Steve again with a grave expression, “I’m afraid that it has most likely progressed to rheumatic fever. I’m going to be honest with both of you right now, Steve is unlikely to survive it. Not many children his age do and if he does there will be complications later.”

 

Steve shut his eyes again and listened carefully but his Ma and the doctor moved to the hallway so he wouldn’t be able to hear them. A few minutes later his Ma came back into his room.

 

“Good news is you’re not contagious anymore so Bucky can come see you,” his Ma told him gently. “Bad news is-”

 

“I’m probably going to die,” Steve cut in.

 

His Ma looked down, “Yes and even if you don’t it’ll still affect your health years from now. The doctor mentioned damage to your heart and joints.”

 

Steve sighed and turned his head away from her, “Can you get Bucky over here?”

 

“Sure,” his Ma got up and left the room.

 

Steve had come to terms at a young age that he probably wouldn’t live past twenty-five but he wasn’t ready to die yet. He wasn’t even ten. He’d hardly lived his life at all and it might all be taken away from him in the blink of an eye. Who would help Bucky when he fell out of the sky? His parents certainly wouldn't. That made their opinion on that subject perfectly clear years ago. His door slowly creaked open and Bucky stepped through. He looked exhausted. His hair flopping down into his eyes and gone was the usual glossy shine of his wings. 

 

“Hey, Buck,” Steve said softly.

 

Bucky walked carefully over to Steve’s bed and perched on the edge, one wing draped over Steve’s chest and the other folded carefully against his back, “Hey, Stevie.”

 

“Doc said I’m probably gonna die.”

 

Bucky looked down at Steve and Steve watched as his best friend’s eyes filled with tears and spilled over, trailing down his face before dripping onto the blanket. 

 

“Aw, no, don’t cry over me.”

 

That’s when the dam broke and Bucky’s face scrunched up and he started to cry and earnest. Silent heaving sobs shook his body. Steve tugged on his arm and Bucky lay down next to Steve, face pressed to his shoulder in an attempt to hide his face. Steve lifted his hands shakily to rest one on his friend’s shoulder while he ran the other soothingly through his feathers. They stayed like that for a long time while Steve let Bucky cry.

 

“You ain’t even ten yet,” Bucky hiccuped softly.

 

“I’m not gonna die. Too stubborn to let something like this take me.”

 

“You can’t control this, Stevie.”

 

Steve scowled, “I’m gonna live just to prove you all wrong.”

 

“I hope you do,” Bucky laughed wetly. “Then you can tell the doctor to shove his diagnosis up his a-”

 

Steve smacked Bucky lightly before he could finish, “Shh! Language!”

 

“You still have the worst mouth of anyone I know, punk.”

 

“Jerk.” 

 

“Can I stay over tonight?” Bucky asked.

 

“Yeah, Ma won’t want you in the same bed with me sick though. You can put the couch cushions on the floor next to me instead. That okay?”

 

“Yeah, go back to sleep, I’ll still be here when you wake up.”

 

Steve settled back into his pillow, the warmth of Bucky next to him more comforting than anything had been lately. With that on his mind, Steve fell asleep.

 

* * *

  

This chapter’s song is  [ Hold On by Chord Overstreet ](https://youtu.be/8ofCZObsnOo) . The lyrics seemed to fit and I really love this song.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always the official Spotify playlist is here and the YouTube playlist is here.


	8. Steve

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "People walk around pushing back their debts,  
> Wearing paychecks like necklaces and bracelets,  
> Talking about nothing, not thinking about death,  
> Every little heartbeat, every little breath."  
> ~Ain't No Reason by Brett Dennen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've done it again. Two chapters in a row written in the same perspective. A lot of this chapter was written in the middle of the woods when I went camping but then I fixed it up. I just wanted to say thank you to the people who have left kudos or bookmarked this. I really appreciate it.
> 
> Once again, I'm so sorry this is late. Thank you for being patient.
> 
> I'm gonna let you know that from now until school lets out, posting will be very irregular because I have very little time to do anything. I might even take a break from posting and post a bunch before I leave for California so y'all have something new to read.

It was July 4th, 1928 and Steve’s tenth birthday. He was sitting on a bench in a park in Brooklyn under the hot sun, his Ma sitting on the bench next to him. He looked down at the paper in his hands in mild horror and dismay. 

 

His Ma had said she’d tell him all of his illnesses on his tenth birthday so that morning she had taken him to the doctor, Bucky in tow and asked the someone at the front desk for a copy of the doctor’s notes from Steve’s last health check-up. She was only able to do even that much because she worked at the hospital as a nurse and had some connections. The three of them went to the park and it was only then that she gave Steve the sheet of paper.

It said:

 

> Name: Steven Grant Rogers
> 
> Birthdate: July 4, 1918
> 
> City/State: Brooklyn, New York
> 
> Current Medical Report:
> 
>   * Scoliosis
> 
> 

>   * Asthma
> 

>   * Scarlet Fever
> 

>   * Rheumatic Fever
> 

>   * Chronic or frequent colds
> 

>   * Palpitation or pounding of the heart
> 

>   * Heart Murmur
> 

>   * High blood pressure
> 

>   * Easy fatigability
> 

>   * Anemia
> 

>   * Color-Blindness
> 

>   * Partial deafness
> 


 

He kind of wished now that he didn’t know. Steve realized suddenly that the saying about ignorance is bliss was very accurate at that moment.

 

“Steve?” his Ma set her hand gently on his shoulder. “Are you alright?”

 

Steve looked up at her and away from the paper clutched in his hand. Steve just wanted to find Bucky who had left Steve and his Ma alone while she gave him the paper. He was most definitely not okay. Not even in the slightest but he wasn’t going to tell her that.

 

“I’m just gonna go find Bucky and then I’ll be as close to ‘okay’ as I can be right now,” Steve said to his Ma and tucked the paper into his pocket before getting up.

 

Steve looked around for Bucky, strolling along as he did. Steve scanned the trees that made their home in the park for his friend but he didn’t appear to be perched in any of them. ‘ _ It really shouldn’t be this hard to find him,’ _ Steve thought. _ ‘He has wings for God’s sake.’ _

 

A shadow crossed Steve’s face and he looked up quickly to see Bucky swooping down at him out of the sky. He was coming at him face first and when he reached Steve he slowed a bit and grabbed Steve under his arms.

 

“Hold on, punk,” Bucky said in his ear and Steve wrapped his arms around Bucky’s shoulder and his legs around his waist. He hugged Bucky tightly and felt the powerful muscles in his shoulder flex with every flap of his wings. It was thrilling to feel all that raw power underneath his hands but alas, all good things come to an end at some point.

 

Bucky landed on a branch in a tree and tried to set Steve down but Steve only clung to him tighter. He whimpered softly and tightened his hold on his friend. Bucky used his wings for balance as `he carefully sat down with his back against the trunk of the tree, still perched carefully on the branch.

 

“I take it that you didn’t get good news, huh?” Bucky asked gently.

 

Steve shook his head and carefully loosened his hold to look up at his friend. His eyes stung as he tried to hold back his tears so he quickly looked away, “Gives me more reason to enjoy my life while I’m still alive.”

 

“You wanna talk about it?” Bucky sighed.

 

Steve didn’t answer, instead, he reached into his pocket and brought out the paper and held it out to Bucky. Bucky took it and scanned it quickly. His face fell.

 

“Oh, Steve.”

 

“I’m fine, jus’ don’ wanna talk ‘bout it.”

 

“How ‘bout this, it’s still your birthday,” Bucky said to the top of Steve’s head. “You can still get out and enjoy it. Maybe we can ask your Ma if we could go to Coney Island for the day.”

 

“I’m not going on that new roller coaster if that’s what you’re after. I’ll settle with the beach.”

 

“Will you go on the Cyclone with me in a few years?”

 

“Maybe, Buck. C’mon get me down. I ain’t got wings.”

 

Bucky laughed and adjusted his grip on Steve before jumping off the branch and flying closer to Steve’s Ma. Bucky gently glided to the ground and set Steve down. 

 

“Thanks, Buck,” Steve smiled up at his friend. “Let’s go ask my Ma if she’ll take us to the beach. We should ask your folks if they wanna come too. I’m sure Becca would love it.”

 

“That would be fun,” Bucky said and glanced down at Steve again quickly. “It could be an outing with the whole family then.”

 

They kept walking and Steve started thinking. Steve was so happy that Bucky though of him and his Ma as family. Five years ago before he met Bucky, it was just him and his Ma, struggling to make ends meet, forced to move out of their apartment to be closer to his Ma’s job and then Bucky showed up. He defended Steve and cleaned him up after a fight before declaring, matter of factly, that they were, from that moment on, friends. Steve was very grateful for Bucky’s forwardness now even if he wasn’t then.

 

The two of them came over the top of a rise to see Steve’s ma sitting on a bench, a book open on her lap.

 

“Ma!” Steve called out to her and she looked up. Steve and Bucky made their way down the rise toward her. 

 

“Boys!” his Ma called back. “Are you ready to go?”

 

“Bucky and I were wondering if we could spend the rest of the day on the beach at Coney Island. Then we could stay and watch the fireworks for a bit,” Steve exclaimed. “Bucky’s folks could come too and we could make a day of it. If that would be alright?”

 

Sarah looked down at the two of them, “I think that’s a wonderful idea.”

 

Steve smiled. All of them in agreement, they walked to the bus stop and got the first bus back to their apartment building. All the while, the paper was burning a hole in Steve’s pocket, almost, but not quite forgotten for the time being. The pain of it could be acknowledged more another day.

 

~~~

 

They arrived at their building and Steve and Bucky raced up the stairs. Bucky to his apartment to get his Pa and Becca as well as his beach things and Steve to his to grab his own beach things. Steve quickly threw together a bag and tugged his swimsuit on before racing back into the kitchen where his Ma had just walked through the door.

 

“Woah!” she laughed. “Slow down. I’m going to pack a picnic for dinner. Winnie’s bringing some things too.”

 

Steve grinned and set his bag down on the table, “You want any help?”

 

“It’s your birthday. I’ll finish up here and you can go get Bucky.”

 

Steve jumped up again, “Okay!”

 

He ran out of the apartment again and down the hall to Bucky’s. 

 

“Bucky!” Steve called. “Are you ready yet?”

 

The door was flung open and Becca looked up at him with a gap-toothed grin, “Almost.”

 

“Can I come in?”

 

“Dunno, what’s the password?”

 

Bucky came around the corner and smiled at Steve, “Let him in Becs, it’s his birthday. Let him off this once.”

 

Becca sighed and let Steve into their apartment. Winnie was packing a beach bag and a large picnic basket was already packed, sitting on the floor. Becca and Bucky were both in their swimsuits.

 

“Ready to go?” George asked Steve.

 

“Yep! Ma’s probably done now too. Can we go?”

 

“Let’s go.”

 

George and Winnie herded the three kids into the hallway where Steve’s Ma was already waiting with another picnic basket and Steve’s forgotten beach bag. She held it out to him with a small smile.

 

“Thanks, Ma,” Steve said.

 

The six of them walked to the bus stop and took the bus to Coney Island. When they got there, they walked down the crowded beach and spread their blanket onto the sand. Steve looked around at the sheer amount of people that were at the beach for the fireworks or just to swim. Steve jolted when Bucky threw his arm around Steve’s shoulders and started tugging him toward the water, wings fluttering gently against both of their backs. People turned and glanced at Bucky before glancing away just as quickly. Even with how odd New York was, you didn’t usually see mutants out in the open.

 

“You boys can go swim but you hafta watch Becca for a bit then bring her back,” Winnie told them.

 

Bucky grabbed Becca’s hand and started tugging her and Steve both more insistently toward the water, “Race you!”

 

He pulled himself away from Steve and Becca and took off in a dead sprint.

 

“Hey! No fair!” Steve called, running after him.

 

He and Becca ran into the water after Bucky and Bucky turned on his heel, wings flaring out behind him to keep his balance. 

 

Too late.

 

Steve slammed into Bucky and they both fell into the water, Bucky's wings flapping wildly trying to compensate but that only succeeded in getting them both even wetter. Steve laughed and pulled himself up. Somehow, Becca had managed to avoid getting dragged into the water too and she was cackling at the both of them. 

 

“Get over here!” Bucky growled at her playfully and lunged for her while Steve just watched and laughed.

 

They swam for the rest of the day and when they were too tired to swim they dragged themselves up the beach and collapsed on the blankets. Steve flopped on his back next to Bucky and looked over to grin at him.

 

“Thank you,” he said.

 

“For what?” Bucky asked.

 

“You helped me take a day that would have been terrible and made it the best day of my life,” Steve answered. “So, thank you.”

 

Bucky smiled back at him, “You’re welcome, Stevie.”

 

Steve’s Ma looked up from her book, “You kids ready to eat now? It’s almost dusk, fireworks will be starting in about an hour.”

 

“Well, I’m starving!” Becca complained from where she was sitting with a towel wrapped around her shoulders.

 

Food was passed around and when Steve felt like he couldn’t eat another bite, Winnie held out a small cupcake to him.

 

“Happy birthday, Steve,” she said.

 

Steve looked at it and then back to her and the rest of them. He reached out and took it from her gently. He split it into six small pieces and gave one to each of them. They all thanked him and ate their tiny piece of cupcake in silence. It was growing dark and the beach was filling up impossibly more. Becca was seated in between Winnie and George while Steve was leaning on Bucky. One of Bucky’s wings was draped around Steve’s shoulders to keep the chill at bay. Steve pulled Bucky’s wing a bit tighter around himself and shivered. The night was getting a bit chilly after all. Steve ran his fingers through Bucky’s feathers and Bucky shivered too. Steve heard a cheer and looked up to see the first bright starburst of light in the sky. 

 

The fireworks had started. 

 

Steve didn’t think fire could be any more beautiful than that was. He looked up at the sky in awe and when he looked over at his best friend, his jaw was slack and his eyes were bright as he gazed at the sky as well. Bucky turned his head to look down at Steve and smiled softly.

 

“Happy Birthday, Stevie.”

 

Steve smiled back and turned back to look up at the sky. His tenth birthday may have started out terrible, but what terrible thing can’t be fixed with time spent with the people you love most?

 

* * *

  

This chapter’s song is [ Ain’t No Reason by Brett Dennen](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uurrp6JADI0&list=PLm_F_FwvsMhPvPevjRuK22oJ5V7_ihU93&index=35). The lyrics kind of seemed to fit this chapter so there you are.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The resource I used for all of Steve’s illnesses is [here](https://cap-chronism.dreamwidth.org/6115.html).
> 
> As always the official Spotify playlist is here and the YouTube playlist is here.


	9. Bucky

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Never regret thy fall,  
> O Icarus of the fearless flight  
> For the greatest tragedy of them all  
> Is never to feel the burning light."  
> ~Oscar Wilde

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oof, just in time for pride month. Warning for homophobic thoughts.
> 
>  
> 
> I realize how late this is but as I mentioned in the last chapter, life has been busy. This summer I won't have a computer very often so posting will also be sporadic then. I really appreciate everyone who does read this though. Thank you, guys.
> 
> I have estimated there will be about fifteen chapters in this part. I overshot with my first estimate of twenty.
> 
> One more thing, I no longer have a beta reader so if you see any mistakes and they really bother you, feel free to comment and I'll fix them.

Bucky was thirteen when the nuns taught them about Greek literature. They were taught about Sisyphus and how he was doomed to suffer forever and about the Greek version of hell. Bucky couldn’t get the story of Icarus out of his head. Icarus who had flown away on wings of feathers and wax but had flown too close to the sun. He had fallen from the sky and into the raging ocean below, leaving his father to grieve for him.  

 

The story hit Bucky hard for some reason. He had sat up straight in his seat and tucked his wings in close to his back. They were shaking slightly. A tremor running through his whole body. He couldn’t even tell himself why it had happened. 

 

Bucky was still a bit shaken when he met Steve outside the school so they could walk home together.

 

“What’s wrong?” Steve asked gently.

 

Bucky just shook his head and drew his wings closer to himself. He looked down at the ground. He couldn’t tell Steve what was wrong. Bucky didn’t even know what was wrong.

 

Steve laid his hand on Bucky’s shoulder right at the join of his wing and dug his fingers into the soft down. Bucky slumped a bit more at Steve’s touch. He didn’t realize how much he had needed it until just then.

 

“You can tell me when we get home if you want, Buck,” Steve offered quietly.

 

Bucky nodded and continued to look at his feet. He looked up when they reached their building.

 

“Can we go up the fire escape? I don’t wanna talk to my parents right now,” Bucky faltered. “We could go on the roof?”

 

“Sure, Buck,” Steve said with a considering look on his face. “I might need a hand getting up there though.”

 

Bucky looked down at him in surprise. Steve rarely asked for help from anyone. Bucky realized it was probably in hopes that by letting Bucky help Steve, it would make him feel a bit better.

 

Bucky smiled tentatively, “Hold on then.”

 

Bucky gripped Steve’s back when Steve wrapped his arms and legs around Bucky’s middle and Bucky squatted before leaping into the air. He always felt better when he was flying. There was something about watching the ground shrink below him that was strangely calming. There was also the fact of Steve hugging him tightly. The physical contact felt good and Bucky could almost forget what had happened at school. 

 

They were only in the air for a few seconds before Bucky set down gently on the roof of their building. They had repurposed the small shed up there that was originally intended for pigeons into a sort of hideout for just him and Steve. No one else really knew that they used it. Bucky set Steve down and walked inside the shed. He sat down in a corner and wrapped his arm and wings around himself. Steve walked in and sat down next to him. He reached out and unwrapped one of Bucky’s wings and drew it around himself before looking up at Bucky.

 

“Will you tell me what happened now?”

 

“We just started Greek literature.”

 

Steve nodded at him encouragingly when Bucky faltered.

 

“I just had a really weird reaction to one of the stories is all. It shook me up a lot more than it should have.”

 

“That’s okay. You’re allowed to have emotions, Buck. Just because you’re a teenager and have started working doesn’t mean you can’t feel shit.”

 

Bucky nodded. He had started work down at the docks the previous summer to try and get a little more income for his family. The pay wasn’t great and the boys he worked with were sexist assholes but at least he was earning something. The other dockworkers acted like they didn’t have feelings at all and treated girls like they were just objects. That had ended up with Steve starting more than one fight with them when he saw them harassing some poor dame. 

 

“Maybe I just need to think on it for a while,” Buck admitted quietly.

 

“Do you want me to go?”

 

“No, you can stay. I don’t mind. Maybe you could go get your sketchbook so you don’t get bored?”

 

Steve nodded and got up and Bucky watched him leave the shed. He slumped further against the wall and shut his eyes. 

 

Icarus had wings so Bucky guessed that related to him through that. Icarus felt free when he flew for the first time and Bucky could relate to that as well but he still didn’t understand why the story affected him. What did the sun represent in his scenario? What did Daedalus represent? Maybe they were both whos instead of whats. Bucky just didn’t know. 

 

Bucky thought that maybe Daedalus could be represented by his family. They would mourn him if he fell, but still, who would be the sun.

 

Bucky opened his eyes when he heard the shed door creak back open. Steve was standing in the doorway, sketchbook and pencils in hand. He was haloed by the light of the setting sun and Bucky was struck by how beautiful his best friend looked. He looked more like an angel than Bucky could ever hope to be. All Steve needed was wings but then Steve moved and the moment was broken. He came back over and sat back down next to Bucky. He opened his sketchbook to the first blank page.

 

“Do you mind if I sit across from you? I wanna draw you.” Steve asked.

 

“Go ahead.”

 

Steve moved across from Bucky and set his pencil to the paper. Bucky shut his eyes again and mentally smacked himself. He called Steve beautiful. Even in his head, it felt like a sin. He wasn’t supposed to think Steve was beautiful. 

 

The realization hit Bucky in the face like a freight train.

 

Steve was the sun and Bucky had flown too close to him. Bucky was falling. He was tumbling into the abyss and his father was glaring down at him. His father had told him that homosexuality was a sin. The church told him that. The world screamed it. Now he had just tumbled into everything the world had warned him against. Bucky had flown too close the sun and now he was going to fall into the depths of hell.

 

“Bucky?”

 

“Bucky!”

 

Someone was shaking him. Bucky hadn’t even realized he had fallen asleep but now someone was shaking him awake. He opened his eyes to see Steve’s concerned face leaning in close to his own.

 

“Are you okay? You fell asleep and I think you might have been having a nightmare cause you started writhing and whimpering,” Steve said quietly, ever straightforward with his words.

 

“I’m fine,” Bucky turned away from Steve. He shouldn’t look at him. He shouldn’t touch him. It wasn’t right. 

 

“Buck?”

 

“I’m fine,” Bucky snapped again and then curled in on himself even more for snapping at his best friend. It wasn’t his fault Bucky was messed up. “Sorry.”

 

Bucky curled up on himself. Curving his wings over his head and hiding behind a wall of dark feathers. He couldn’t see Steve anymore. He couldn’t see his shining sun.

 

No.

 

Steve wasn’t his and would never be because Steve wasn’t messed up like Bucky was. 

 

“Can I finish my sketch?” Steve asked boldly from the other side of Bucky’s feather wall.

 

Bucky shifted slightly, “Sure, pal. Knock yourself out.”

 

Bucky heard Steve’s pencil come in contact with paper again and Bucky simmered in his tiny pool of self-loathing that had made its home in his head.

 

~~~

 

Some time later, both Steve and Bucky got up and left the tiny shed. They both took the fire escape and slipped through the window into Steve’s bedroom. Steve put his sketchbook away carefully under his mattress and turned back to Bucky.

 

“You sure you’re okay?”

 

“Yeah, might just be overworking myself at the docks,” Bucky replied softly. He couldn’t let Steve know what had happened. He couldn’t ruin the only true friendship he had. He needed Steve like he needed air but he also would have to keep his distance. He wouldn’t allow himself any more contact than was necessary with Steve.

 

“You didn’t have to get a job, y’know.”

 

“Yeah, I did. Y’know times have been hard on both our families.”

 

Bucky looked down at the floor and away from Steve’s scowl. Steve was always so angry at the world and its problems. He probably wouldn’t hate Bucky for what he was.

 

Bucky would still never dream of telling him.

 

~~~

 

When Bucky was fourteen, he started going out with girls. He would never take them on more than three dates but he was always kind and courteous to them. He was always the gentleman to them. They took his mind off of the nagging doubt in the back of his head that this wasn’t right. He felt like he was being unfaithful. Bucky tried to ignore his attraction to boys. It wasn’t even just Steve now. Bucky caught himself staring at some of the boys at the docks occasionally. He found himself watching how the muscles shifted in their backs and their arms bulged when they lifted the heavy crates. Every time, he would drag his gaze away and point his focus back at his task, wings fluttering nervously. Every night he lay in bed, wings wrapped tightly around himself as he mentally kicked himself. Even so, Bucky still dreamed of falling. 

 

He had flown too close to the sun after all.

 

* * *

 

 

The song for this chapter is [ I Want to Break Free by Queen](https://youtu.be/WUOtCLOXgm8). I don’t really know why but I think it fits with how Bucky’s feeling right now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let's all cry for our poor, angsty Bucky. Next up, lil' Stevie gets jealous of all Bucky's girls.
> 
>  
> 
> As always the official Spotify playlist is here and the YouTube playlist is here.


	10. Steve

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Come up to meet you  
> Tell you I'm sorry  
> You don't know how lovely you are  
> I had to find you  
> Tell you I need you  
> Tell you I set you apart"  
> ~The Scientist by Coldplay

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think eagle courtship is pretty. See if you can find where I put it. Also, take heed of the new tags. Personally, I still think it's still teen rated.
> 
> Two chapters in a week to make up for lost time. This chapter is also not beta read so if you see anything wrong with it, let me know if you want.

Steve didn’t know what he had done, but Bucky was pushing him away. It was subtle but Steve could tell. Bucky was touching him less. They didn’t hang out less than before but when they did, the silences were painful and awkward. Bucky kept his distance between himself and Steve and they never slept in the same bed anymore.

 

Steve wanted to know what he’d done.

 

Nothing had been the same since that day on the roof after Bucky came home from school messed up. Bucky never did tell Steve what had happened that day.

 

Then Bucky started dating girls.

 

Steve felt himself being filled with a jealousy that was completely illogical. He shouldn’t be jealous of his best friend hanging out with other people. Bucky was allowed to have a life outside of Steve and his insecurities and issues. Bucky should have people who don’t wheeze every time they do something for more than five minutes at a time.

 

Steve knew he didn’t deserve Bucky’s friendship but this was just too much for him to bear all at once. Steve started to do things by himself more often than he used to as well. His Ma was always at work and Bucky obviously didn’t want to be by him. He drew in most of his spare time and he spent most of it on the roof.

 

Most of Steve’s drawings were of Bucky.

 

He filled sketchbook after sketchbook with studies of Bucky’s face. His hands. His wings. He didn’t even have to look at Bucky to draw him anymore because he’d spent so much time looking that he had every sharp edge of Bucky’s body memorized.

 

Steve missed his friend so much that it hurt.

 

He missed Bucky’s laugh and how he always seemed to have time for Steve but now he never did either of those things. Bucky never laughed anymore. To Steve, he just seemed downright melancholy.

 

Well, Steve knew how Bucky felt. He was melancholy as well.

 

~~~

 

It wasn’t until Steve was fourteen and Bucky was fifteen that Steve realized what everything that had been happening meant.

 

It was the height of summer and scorchingly hot outside. Inside their small apartment wasn’t any cooler but at least it was out of the sun. Steve had fallen asleep on the cool, wood floor of his bedroom to try and find some relief.

 

He dreamed about flying.

 

Steve had big, golden wings and Bucky was with him and they were soaring together over the city. Bucky was laughing again. He was laughing! Suddenly Steve was laughing too. It felt like forever since either of them had laughed. Steve flew closer to Bucky before wrapping his arms tightly around Bucky’s shoulder just like they used to and Bucky wrapped his arms around Steve’s waist.

 

Then they were tumbling out of the sky still wrapped in each other's embrace. Right before they smashed into the pavement, they let go and opened their wings, stopping their descent. Steve looked at Bucky’s grinning face and smiled broadly back at him.

 

That was when Steve woke up.

 

He opened his eyes, gasping for breath and feeling inexplicably turned on despite the heat. He glanced down and he was hard in his shorts from his dream. Steve sighed and slumped back down on the floor, wiggling until he was on a spot that was cooler than his body. He wasn't going to touch himself. Not after dreaming of Bucky. That was just wrong. He shouldn't think about his friend like that but even so. If Bucky didn't care about Steve anymore then he'd never know what Steve did alone in his room. 

 

Screw it.

 

Steve shoved his hand into his shorts and wrapped his hand around himself, sighing in relief. He jerking himself furiously for a few seconds before he was shuddering to completion. Steve lay on the floor for a few seconds to catch his breath. Dammit. 

 

Regret flooded him almost instantly. He felt terrible. He definitely shouldn't have done that 'cause it only made him feel worse about the whole situation. He already got called a fairy on the near daily basis because of his slight build. 

 

What did Steve care what other people thought? He liked who he liked and no one was gonna tell him not to. Not if he didn't tell anyone at any rate.

 

Steve groaned and dragged himself up off the floor, thoughts still swirling chaotically in his head. He was still stiff from falling asleep on such a hard surface and drenched in sweat from the summer heat. Steve dragged himself off the floor to the bathroom so he could dump lukewarm water on his head. It dripped limply from his hair and rolled down his face like tears.

 

That’s all their apartment had. Lukewarm water.

 

Jeez.

 

Steve needed to get it together. He was falling apart at the seams, just because he was losing his only friend. Maybe he should take his Ma’s advice and get more friends. It was just that no one liked him because he was sickly and too aggressive for his own good. Bucky was the only one who had ever accepted him for who he was and now Bucky didn’t want to be near Steve anymore. 

 

Steve looked at his reflection in the bathroom mirror. Water was dripping into his eyes and he blinked it away. At least it masked the tears that were yet unshed. Some slipped free and slid slowly down his face before they dripped off his chin. Steve felt so pathetic in that moment. The remnants of his disgrace still drying on his stomach. 

 

Steve wet a rag in the sink and wiped his face and neck and stomach free of sweat. He felt a lot better once he was clean. He still felt shame for his dream about Bucky but he really didn’t care anymore. If Bucky didn’t care then Steve wouldn’t either. 

 

Steve left the bathroom and went back to his own bedroom and threw open the window. He crawled out onto the fire escape and climbed up to the roof. Hoping for some solitude away from his bedroom and the stifling apartment.

 

Except.

 

Except Bucky was on the roof already.

 

“Oh, hey, Steve.”

 

Steve looked at Bucky out of the corner of his eye, “Buck.”

 

There were so many things in Steve’s head that he couldn’t tell Bucky. He wanted to tell him and he didn’t at the same time. He couldn’t. He wouldn’t.

 

Shit, he would.

 

“I gotta talk to you about some stuff,” Steve said angrily.

 

Bucky looked mildly surprised. Good. He should be surprised. He hadn’t talked to Steve properly in months.

 

“Ok?”

 

Steve sighed and took a deep breath, “I’m sorry.”

 

Bucky opened his mouth but Steve held up a hand to stop him before he could continue.

 

“Don’t, Buck, let me talk. I’m sorry. Whatever I did to make you push me away, I’m sorry for it. You’re my only friend and I feel like I’m losing you. I need you to be there for me and you’ve just been leaving. Nobody said it would be easy but it would be awful if I lost you. No one said it would be this hard losing you either. 

 

“I guess what I’m trying to say is, I want you back. I want to go back to the start, back to where I messed up and fix it. I don’t want to lose you. I can’t,” the last word was a sort of raspy gasp as it tumbled out of Steve’s mouth but he held the tears at bay. He didn’t want Bucky to see him cry. Not now anyway.

 

Steve looked up and Bucky’s eyes were wide with shock. 

 

“Steve, I-,” Bucky started and then stopped, wings tucked tight to his back, quivering slightly. “I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to make you feel like that at all. I just don’t want you to get hurt. It’s not your fault.”

 

“What?” Steve was so confused now. Not his fault? 

 

“The boys at the docks, they’ve already been targeting anyone they even suspect to be- to be queer. I know they’ve gone after you a couple times already and I just didn’t want it to happen because of me. I was just separating myself so we don’t-” Bucky stopped, looking so guilty Steve almost laughed.

 

“What, Bucky? So we don’t touch? So you never talk to me anymore?” Steve snapped.

 

Steve could see tears welling in Bucky’s eyes, shining in the hot, summer sun.

 

“I’m so sorry, Stevie,” Bucky said remorsefully, a single tear tracking down his face.

 

“C’mere, jerk,” Steve said, opening his arms. “I don’t forgive you but we’ll just keep going in circles if we keep skirting each other like this.”

 

Bucky looked startled but he came and wrapped his arms around Steve anyway. It was nice to feel him again. His arms were corded with muscle from working at the docks and he hugged Steve tightly. They were on the roof. No one would see. No one would judge.

 

“We don’t have to touch much anymore but I’d still like to be your friend,” Steve whispered into Bucky’s shoulder.

 

Bucky nodded and let go, stepping back and away from Steve.

 

“Promise me that you won’t do that again. Promise you’ll stay,” Steve blurted suddenly. 

 

Bucky looked surprised again at his outburst.

 

“Yeah, Stevie, I’m with you ‘til the end of the line, right?”

 

“Yeah, Buck, ‘til the end of the line.”

 

~~~

 

Bucky didn’t stop going out with girls. Steve didn’t expect him to. It still hurt to see Bucky out with people other than Steve. That was selfish and Steve felt guilty for thoughts like those. Why shouldn't Bucky be happy? He deserved to be happy. Steve tried to be happy too. He tried for years. It was easier now that Bucky was his friend again. They didn’t hug as much. They didn’t lean on each other in the shed. Bucky’s shows of friendly affection toward Steve were now just an arm thrown over Steve’s shoulder or a hand ruffling his hair. Steve missed running his hand through Bucky’s feathers. He shouldn’t have missed it as much as he did.

 

So, Steve tried to be happy and it kind of worked.

 

It worked until 1936. Steve was almost eighteen and that was when his Ma got sick. 

 

 

* * *

 

 

The song for this chapter is [ The Scientist by Coldplay](https://youtu.be/s70OsXlDD94). I struggled to find a song for this chapter and actually found the next four chapter’s songs before this one.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've never written anything remotely sexual before so it probably shows. Hope you liked it anyway. ;)
> 
> As always the official Spotify playlist is here and the YouTube playlist is here.


	11. Bucky

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Don't cry  
> Hold your head up high  
> She would want you to  
> She would want you to"  
> ~Above the Clouds of Pompeii by Bear's Den

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is one of two that is getting posted today. I’m leaving for vacation tomorrow and I have writers block on chapter 13. That chapter and the two after will be posted when I get back. 13 and 14 will have art so I need to wait until my friend has drawn the commission.
> 
> Thank you all for your kudos!

The summer Steve’s Ma got sick was one of the worst summers of Bucky’s life. He and Steve were friends again and Bucky had stopped pushing Steve away even though he was still guilty about his feelings. They weren’t natural but at least Steve didn't seem to know about them.

 

So Bucky was doing fine. Doing great even but then Sarah got sick.

 

She had started work in the TB ward to try and earn a bit more for her and Steve. Sarah had even taken the night shifts a couple times a week. It was working.

 

Steve got the medicine he needed more times than he didn’t and that gave Bucky hope. 

 

Hope that Steve wouldn’t get his last rites again before he turned eighteen. 

 

Hope that he wouldn’t have to bury his best friend.

 

Hope that someday he might be able to admit his feelings to himself and Steve.

 

Probably not the last one though.

 

So life was looking up for Steve, Bucky and their friendship.

 

Then one day after school, Steve came rushing into Bucky’s room. His face was stricken and he looked terrified. Bucky didn’t know what had happened but it couldn’t have been good for Steve to look like that.

 

“Bucky!” Steve cried. “You gotta come with me.”

 

“Where?” Bucky faltered. “What happened?”

 

“It’s my Ma,” Steve said, much quieter than before. “They put her in quarantine.”

 

Bucky was confused for a few seconds before he realized what that meant. Sarah had caught the consumption disease from her work in the TB ward. If the hospital had quarantined her then she probably wouldn’t be coming back out. 

 

Bucky turned his horrified expression back to Steve and softened it slightly, “Steve, I’m so sorry. Can you visit her at all?”

 

“I asked already. They won’t let me in because they don’t want me to spread it. Gotta look at her through a window.”

 

“How much time,” Bucky’s voice broke on the last word and he turned his face away from Steve to look at the floor. His wings were shaking like oak leaves in a storm. Bucky was sure Steve would be able to hear the rustle of his feathers at they brushed against themselves.

 

“They’ve given her ‘til October,” Steve looked at the ground too and Bucky’s heart broke into a million pieces and dropped to the ground like so many feathers floating through the air.

 

October. It was June. That would give her five months.

 

Five months where Steve would be unable to see her except through a window and she’d be stuck in the TB ward herself. Where she had worked for months.

 

Fate had so many cruel jokes for them. 

 

“I know there's nothing I can say or do to make this any easier for you but,” Bucky stopped talking and held his arms out. He rarely hugged Steve anymore but every time he did, he could feel every single one of Steve’s tight muscles relax. 

 

Steve looked at him with the most relieved look on his face and came forward to wrap his arms around Bucky. Bucky pulled them both back on the bed until Steve was curled under his chin. Bukcy pulled his arms tighter and brought his wings up to wrap around Steve as well. Just as Bucky had predicted, Steve practically melted into his embrace. It was like a full body sigh of relief.

 

They stayed like that for a while, and for the first time in years, the hug never became awkward for Bucky. He just needed to be there to comfort his best friend.

 

~~~

 

Bucky stayed by Steve’s side all summer long. He spent less time going out with girls and more time with Steve. Steve could barely even go see his Ma. He could only talk to her through a thick glass window and he hadn't hugged her since June. Bucky was honestly worried at some points for Steve’s health. Especially on his birthday. 

 

Steve’s eighteenth birthday was probably one of the saddest days of Bucky’s life. Steve didn’t get out of his bed all day. He only got up to go to the bathroom. He didn’t eat. He didn’t drink. 

 

He just lay there.

 

Needless to say Bucky had been very worried about him.

 

“Stevie?” Bucky asked cautiously.

 

Bucky watched Steve shift slightly. He itched to go to his friend and wrap him up in his arms but Bucky knew Steve wouldn’t appreciate it right then.

 

“What?” came the quiet answer.

 

“You should drink some water,” Bucky said. “It wouldn’t be good if you got dehydrated.”

 

“I don’t care.”

 

“Well, I do, punk. Get up and drink at least one glass of water and then I’ll let you go back to bed.”

 

“No.”

 

“Steve.”

 

“I said no.”

 

“Well, I’m not taking no for an answer. You need to drink. It’s summer,” Bucky’s wings shifted loudly in the quiet room. He missed Steve’s hands on them. He shouldn’t.

 

Steve dragged himself up off the bed and dragged his feet all the way into the kitchen. He looked away when he passed his Ma’s bedroom. Bucky watched to make sure he drank the entire glass of water. Steve just set the glass down and walked back to his room before collapsing dramatically on the bed.

 

“I’m gonna go get Becca and then I’m going to sit here and read to the both of you, that alright?”

 

Steve grunted in reply and tried to smother himself halfheartedly in the pillow.

 

Bucky got up again and walked the short distance to his own apartment. He kept his wings tucked close to his back to make sure he didn’t knock anything over on the way over. They tended to move a lot when he got agitated.

 

“Becca,” Bucky called into his apartment. “Come over to Steve’s, I’m gonna read.”

 

Becca ran into the kitchen. She was fourteen and surprisingly full of a ton of energy.

 

“Is Steve doing alright?” she asked.

 

“No, not really,” bucky looked down sadly. “He won’t get up to do anything. I almost had to force a glass of water into him.”

 

Becca looked sad too. She was friends with Steve as well and had stayed Steve’s friend when Bucky had been being a selfish asshole.

 

“Let’s go then,” Becca sympathized. “Better not leave him by himself for too long.”

 

Bukcy grabbed the book off the kitchen table, a library book called  _ Brave New World _ , and walked with Becca back through the apartment and into Steve’s to his bedroom. 

 

“I’m back,” Bucky said softly when he pushed open the bedroom door. 

 

Becca made a sympathetic noise at the sight of Steve. Bucky could relate. Steve was lying on his bed with his back to them in the fetal position. It didn’t even look like he had moved at all since Bucky had left.

 

Bucky sat down in the chair next to Steve’s bed and Becca sat on the floor as Bucky began to read from where they had left off.

 

_ Actual happiness always looks pretty squalid in comparison with the overcompensations for misery. And, of course, stability isn't nearly so spectacular as instability. And being contented has none of the glamour of a good fight against misfortune, none of the picturesqueness of a struggle with temptation, or a fatal overthrow by passion or doubt. Happiness is never grand. _

 

Bucky could relate.

 

~~~

 

Steve’s Ma did die in October just like the doctor had said. Steve hadn’t gone back to school for his last year. His Ma was dying. Bucky didn’t blame him. It had hurt Bucky to see Steve go to the hospital and see her near the end because he knew that she would have looked terrible. If you got the consumption you slowly started to lose more and more weight. You got tired as your body started to shut down. Steve had to watch his Ma look less and less like his Ma. He brought her books and drawings that he’d done and the times that Steve had brought Bucky with had been depressing to say the least. She barely recognized Steve and didn’t show many signs that she knew any of them were present. They couldn’t go anywhere near her, having to look at her through thick windows.

 

Bucky felt terrible that he was glad she had died just so Steve didn’t have to look at her sunken face.

 

He felt even worse when he thought about all the things Sarah had done for them over the years. Done for him. 

 

The funeral was even worse. It was just him, his family and Steve. Steve didn’t cry the entire time they were there. He didn’t even flinch. It looked like his body was there but there was no one home in his head. It broke Bucky‘s heart.

 

Afterwards, Steve disappeared. Bucky and his family looked for him but they couldn’t find him. It was like he just vanished.

 

Bucky had a feeling he knew where Steve had gone.

 

Bucky got back to their apartment and Steve was exactly where Bucky knew he’d be. 

 

“We looked for you after. My folks wanted to give you a ride to the cemetery,” Bucky said when they walked up the steps together.

 

“I know, I'm sorry. I just...kinda wanted to be alone.”

 

“How was it?”

 

“It was okay,” Steve sighed. “She’s next to Dad.”

 

“I was gonna ask…” Bucky started, wings twitching nervously.

 

“I know what you're gonna say, Buck, I just…”

 

“We can put the couch cushions on the floor like when we were kids. It'll be fun. All you gotta do is shine my shoes, maybe take out the trash,” Bucky said as Steve tried to find his keys. Bucky kicked a brick aside and picked up the keys to hand them to Steve. “C’mon.”

 

“Thank you, Buck, but I can get by on my own,” Steve said as he looked up at Bucky.

 

“The thing is, you don't have to,” Bucky lifted his hand and set it down on Steve’s shoulder. “I'm with you to the end of the line, pal.”

 

Steve turned away and unlocked his apartment door. They both stopped inside. Bucky knew it wouldn’t be long before Steve wouldn’t be able to afford this apartment anymore. The one he had shared with his Ma his whole life. 

 

Bucky got a terrible idea.

 

“Stevie?”

 

“Yeah, Buck.”

 

“What if I looked for an apartment for us to share. I don’t have to live with my parents anymore and you wouldn’t have to worry about becoming homeless, “ Bucky offered. He would never let Steve become homeless.

 

“I’m gonna see if there are any job offers first,” Steve sighed. “I wanna be able to pull my weight.”

 

Bucky knew Steve would want to stay as long as he could in his childhood apartment and Bucky wouldn’t complain. He knew his folks would want him to move out. He was nineteen. It was about time that he got his wings out of his parents house. 

 

~~~

 

That November, Steve got a job drawing advertisements for local companies and Bucky bought a tiny, one bedroom apartment in Red Hook. It was near the docks so Bucky didn’t have to go far to get to his own job. 

 

It was nice sharing the small apartment with his friend. It was okay sharing the bedroom with Steve. Sometimes it hurt being so close but not being able to touch but it was for the best. It was better than nothing in any case. 

 

* * *

  

The song for this chapter is [ Above the Clouds of Pompeii by Bear's Den](https://youtu.be/pGXBR1wR-mo). It’s just really sad and fits this chapter really well.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always the official Spotify playlist is here and the YouTube playlist is here.


	12. Bucky

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Most people want to be circled by safety, not by the unexpected. The unexpected can take you out. But the unexpected can also take you over and change your life. Put a heart in your body where a stone used to be."  
> ~Ron Hall

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Second chapter today. I need to teach myself how to insert pictures in here.

 Bucky woke up one morning to the sky looking like it was about to reap its vengeance on the entirety of New York. 

 

The sky was dark, and as Bucky walked to the docks his wings drew close to his body like they knew that he should not be outside, let alone going to move crates for the rest of the day. He did work but the sky got darker and more threatening. He just hoped Steve knew to stay inside. He got sick so easily it wasn’t even funny.

 

Bucky walked as quickly as he could back home and he was about a block from the apartment when he heard the sounds of a fight coming from an alleyway off to his left. Bucky practically flew to the month of the alley he had heard the noise coming from.  

 

Above him the sky darkened and the air grew cold.

 

Bucky reached the mouth of the alley just in time it see Steve get punched into the nearest brick wall. 

 

“Steve!” Bucky really did fly this time in his hurry to get to his friend. His wings unfurled from his back and flapped frantically. He landed in front of Steve and the other boy. The boy turned around and glanced at Bucky before looking behind him. His eyes grew wide and he ducked under Bucky’s wings and ran down the street.

 

“I’m okay,” Steve tried to pull himself up and immediately turned white.

 

Bucky helped Steve up off the ground and Steve groaned. He’d probably hit his head. Bucky started to half drag, half carry Steve out of the alley.

 

That was when the sky started to rumble.

 

_ Shit. _

 

Bucky hefted Steve up a little more and started walking as fast as he could while still dragging Steve along. 

 

They almost made it too.

 

They were almost at the steps to their apartment when the sky broke open and the cod rain pounded down on them in sheets. Bucky unlocked the door as fast as he possibly could and threw it open. He hauled Steve through the opening.

 

They were both soaked to the skin and Steve was shivering. 

 

“S-sorry, Buck,” Steve said as his teeth chattered.

 

“You stupid, stupid, punk,” Bucky said a bit desperately.

 

Bucky grabbed a towel and started to rub it frantically over Steve’s body but it wasn’t any use. Steve just continued to shiver violently. 

 

“We gotta get you into some dry clothes,” Bucky started to drag Steve to their shared bedroom.

 

Bucky set Steve on his bed and stripped him out of his soaking shirt and pants. Steve didn’t seem like he was going to be doing anything for himself quite yet. Bucky quickly towelled Steve off a bit more and tugged dry clothes onto him. 

 

Steve still shivered.

 

Bucky was getting a bit frantic at that point and he was almost struggling to keep his wings from opening and shutting agitatedly. He threw back the covers on Steves bed and Steve rolled himself under the covers. Bucky tucked him in tightly and pulled the blankets off his own bed to add to Steve’s.

 

Bucky undressed and towelled himself off before redressing in his own dry clothes. He turned to look at Steve again and he could actually see the blankets quaking from Steve’s shivering. 

 

Bucky crossed the room to Steve and knelt beside his bed, “Stevie?”

 

“Yeah?”

 

“How can I help?”

 

“You’ve done all you can, Buck,” Steve whispered. “It’s alright.”

 

Bucky nodded and stood back up, preparing to cross the rom to his own bed. He resigned himself to staying cold that night if it meant Steve could be warm.

 

“Bucky?”

 

“Yeah, Steve.”

 

“You could sleep with me tonight. I don’t want you to get cold too.”

 

Bucky thought that over. It wouldn’t be good if he got sick as well but he didn’t want to have to confront his feelings. He wanted to be able to care for Steve though. If he couldn't work and Steve actually did get sick then they both would be screwed.

 

“Yeah, alright,” Bucky sighed, Steve’s wellbeing outweighing his own selfish feelings.

 

Bucky roused the room and climbed in bed behind his friend. He could feel Steve shivering and it hurt Bucky. He folded one wing against his back and the other he lay over Steve to try and offer him more warmth. He hugged his friend tightly to his chest and tried to ignore Steve’s chattering teeth. Bucky was relieved when he felt Steve’s breathing level out in the even pattern that meant he had fallen asleep. It was only then that Bucky let himself drift off.

 

~~~

 

Bucky hoped it would pass but Steve woke him up the next few nights in a row with huge wracking coughs that shook his and Bucky’s bodies. Bucky stayed wrapped around Steve when he didn’t have to work in hopes that it would help keep his friend warm. 

 

The fifth night in a row that happened, Bucky knelt beside Steve’s bed and held his cold hands to his chest. He wouldn’t lose Steve like this. He couldn’t.

 

“It’s gonna pass, Stevie.”

 

Steve smiled weakly at Bucky, “I know.”

 

~~~

 

A couple days later, Steve still wasn’t getting any better. 

 

His temperature fluctuated uncontrollably and he was more pale than Bucky had ever seen him. His lungs rattled with every breath he dragged in and he could barely even get in air between the violent coughing fits.

 

Bucky’s hope that Steve would get better was being crushed like an ant under a heavy boot.

 

~~~

 

A week after the storm, Steve still wasn’t showing any signs of getting better. He knelt next to Steve’s bed and told him he’d be back before racing down the street to the small hospital at the end of the block.

 

“Mr. Barnes,” the nurse that greeted him said distastefully. 

 

“Ma’am,” Bucky replied respectfully. 

 

“You have the money you owe from last time?”

 

“No ma’am but it’s about-“

 

“Mr. Rogers?” 

 

Bucky nodded.

 

“I figured,” the nurse said tursely. “What is it this time?”

 

“He got caught out in the storm last week and he’s been coughing and his temperature has been irregular since. He hasn’t gotten any better either,” Bucky reported. He felt his wings flare and he quickly drew them back in.

 

“I can get you a doctor to come and see him-“

 

“No, I just need your advice.”

 

“Are there any other symptoms?”

 

“He’s really weak and he doesn’t cough up much but when he does it kinda green.”

 

The nurse looked down at her feet a bit sadly and Bucky froze.

 

No.

 

No. No. No.

 

Not Steve.

 

“It sounds like he has pneumonia,” the nurse recited a bit sadly.

 

Bucky felt his wings shudder and he brought them even closer to his back. He backed slowly away from the desk and turned around quickly. He raced back to their apartment in half the time it should have taken him. He might have flown some of it but he didn’t remember all of it.

 

He threw himself down at Steve’s bedside and took Steve’s hands in his. He pressed their joined hands to his forehead.

 

Bucky stifled a sob. Steve was dying. His Steve. 

 

Bucky looked back to his friend. Steve looked smaller than he ever had. His hair fanned out on the pillow. He looked a bit like an angel. The sun. Bucky’s sun.

 

“Bucky?” Steve groaned weakly.

 

A sob finally tore free from Bucky’s throat.

 

“Aw, Buck. It’s okay,” Steve whispered.

 

“Go back to sleep, Stevie,” Bucky croaked.

 

Steve sighed heavily but that just started a coughing fit that felt to Bucky like it lasted hours but in reality, probably lasted only seconds.

 

“Fine.”

 

Bucky lay his head down on Steve’s bed as tears dripped down his face. He couldn’ lose Steve. The mantra repeated itself over and over in his head. He couldn’t lose Steve.

 

The grief and worry weighed him down and Bucky eventually fell into an exhausted sleep.

 

~~~

 

Bucky woke to cold fingers on his face. Over his eyelids. Tracing his cheekbones.

 

“You awake, jerk?”

 

Bucky lifted his head to look at Steve. His Steve. His perfect sun. Bucky’s wings were spread out over the floor. It was like they were sad too.

 

“Yeah,” Bucky choked on a sob again. “You have pneumonia.”

 

Steve’s face fell. He knew that not many people survived pneumonia and it was even more unlikely that he would. Bucky watched the flicker of the pulse in his throat. He couldn’t lose this.

 

When Bucky looked up again he was shook by how strong Steve looked. His eyes were dry and his jaw was set like his was when he was about to pop a bully in the jaw.

 

“It really is okay. We knew this was gonna happen at some point.”

 

“It’s not fair. It’s not fucking fair,” Bucky half wailed, his wings flailing behind him, no longer limp and docile on the floor.

 

Steve took Bucky’s hand and rubbed his fingers over Bucky’s knuckles to sooth him. They sat there in the quiet room and said nothing for a while. Steve’s way of letting Bucky pull himself together.

 

When Bucky finally resurfaced, he looked up straight into Steve’s eyes. Steve had been watching him. Bucky’s heat panged and he looked away again.

 

“Look at me, Buck,” Steve whispered.

 

Bucky looked up, back into Steve’s dull blue eyes. Bucky felt his own eyes stringing again as they tried to fill with tears but Bucky held them back.

 

“Do you regret anything? Did we make any mistakes?” Steve said.

 

Bucky opened his mouth to say no, we did everything right but he snapped it shut again. He glanced away from Steve before meeting his eyes again.

 

“Yes,” Bucky sighed. “I did anyway.”

 

Now was the moment. If Bucky were to be honest at any point in his godforsaken life, now was the point. If Steve was gonna die, Bucky could be honest.

 

“I did too, Buck,” Steve coughed.

 

Bucky looked at Steve, surprised, “What?”

 

“We all make mistakes, we all have regrets.”

 

“What do you regret?”

 

Steve looked directly at Bucky, “You.”

 

“Me? Why?”

 

“I- I can’t,” Steve stuttered.

 

Bucky took a deep breath. Now or never. Time wouldn’t stop for him to grow balls.

 

“I regret pushing you away. I couldn’t tell you how I felt.”

 

“How do you feel?”

 

“Like you’re the sun and I’m crashing into you,” Bucky managed.

 

Steve smiled at him again and Bucky felt like his knees would give out if he wasn’t already kneeling.

 

“You don’t hate me,” Bucky whispered.

 

“No, of course not idiot. I hated myself.”

 

“We’re both idiots,” Bucky laughed. “I can’t believe we can only say this now that you’re dying.”

 

“‘M not dyin’, Buck,” Steve said, the ‘I’m going to break your face’ look back again. “I’m gonna live and we’re gonna have a very serious conversation about this when I’m well enough to clock you.”

 

Bucky laughed weakly. He’d gladly let Steve hit him if it meant he lived.

 

~~~

 

A week later, Bucky came home from the docks to Steve sitting up and feeding himself the soup Bucky had left for him. Bucky nearly started crying when he saw. Steve had grimaced at him and shaken his fist threateningly but Bucky was too happy to care.

 

Two weeks after they found out Steve had caught pneumonia, Steve was up and walking around the house again without help. Bucky had gripped Steve in a hug so tight, Steve had complained that Bucky was going to break his ribs. 

 

Three weeks later, Steve was acting like he’d never been sick and he made good on his promise to clock Bucky.

 

Bucky’s jaw was stinging but that didn’t stop him from grinning like an idiot, his wings fluttering happily behind him.

 

* * *

 

The song for this chapter is [ I Found by Amber Run](https://youtu.be/PbSZhGONRBg). I have been sitting on this song for a really long time and I’m so happy I can finally use it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always the official Spotify playlist is here and the YouTube playlist is here.

**Author's Note:**

> I will still continue with putting songs at the end of chapters. The official playlist for the fic on Spotify is [here](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/3jakrVXFGJBE2czqDXV1P7).


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